Facts

It is a crime if someone physically hurts or threatens you.

Even if the person is a husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend.

Domestic Violence is an equal opportunity crime.

It can happen to anyone, rich, poor, black, red, yellow or white,

young or old. Domestic Violence is an equal opportunity crime.

The real truth...........

	I am not to blame for being beaten and abused.  I have a right  NOT to be abused and I am NOT the cause for another persons behavior.
	I have a right to be angry over past beatings. I do not like it or want it.
	I do not want my children to grow up being abused, seeing me abused or to become abusers.
	I do not have to accept, emotional, physical, sexual, psychological, or financial abuse.
	I have the right to leave this abusive environment.
	I have a right to participate in the process of making rules that will affect my life.
	I have a right to set boundaries in my life to convey to others the abuse is not acceptable and I deserve respect.

WARNING SIGNS OF ABUSE

Are you with someone who:

	Is jealous and possessive, won't let you have friends, checks up on you, won't accept breaking up?
	Tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions, doesn't take your opinions seriously?
	Is scary...You worry about how they will react to things you say or do, threatens you?
	Is Violent...has a history of fighting, loses their temper quickly, brags about mistreating others?
	Pressures you for sex, is forceful or scary about sex.  Attempts to manipulate or guilt-trip you by saying, "if you really loved me, you would"...Gets too serious about the relationship too fast?
	Abuses drugs or alcohol or pressures you to take or use them?
	Blames "YOU" when they mistreat you. Says "YOU" provoked them, pushed their buttons, made them do it, led them on?
	Have a history of bad relationships and blames the other person for al the problems?  "They just didn't understand me."
	Believes men should be in control and powerful and that women should be passive and submissive?
	Has hit, pushed, strangled, restrained, kicked, physically abuse you?

WHY BATTERED WOMEN STAY

Love and Commitment

The belief that the abuser will change...For Better or Worse..."I" can change him....

TERROR

Risk of death, escalation of violence, threats to themselves or loved ones: children or other family member or friend if they leave.

LACK OF RESOURCES TO LEAVE

Limited finances, education or job skills, lack of community services, unavailability of housing elsewhere.

UNCERTAIN LIFE OUTSIDE THE ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Fear of the unknown; predictability of the known relationship.

Who will provide for the family and care for the children.

PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE

Loss of self-esteem and self confidence...(She has been told repeatedly that she is worth nothing and no one else would want her and she begins to believe it);

Feelings of powerlessness and dependency; no perceived alternative to the abusive relationship.

 

There is a cycle in domestic violence. The abuser will attack and then say he is sorry, even promising he will never do it again.  Things may seem fine for a time, and because the physical violence has stopped the victim thinks, "Maybe this time he really means it", but eventually the abuse will start again. Or the abuser will find ways of abusing other than being physical.

Domestic Violence is about POWER and CONTROL.

A habit level belief system the supports the perpetrator's abusive actions

 

Trigger Warning. The following poem my be a a trigger for some readers.

 

I GOT FLOWERS TODAY

   I got flowers today...It wasn't my birthday or any special day. We had our first argument last night and he said a lot of cruel things that really hurt me. I know he is sorry and didn't mean the things he said because he sent me flowers today.

I got flowers today. It wasn't our anniversary or any other special day. Last night he threw me into a wall and stared to choke me.  It seemed like a nightmare. I couldn't believe it was real. I woke up this morning sore and bruised all over.  I know he must be sorry, because I got flowers today.

Last night he beat me up again.  And it was much worse than all the other times.  If I leave him what will I do? How will I take care of my children? What about money? I am afraid of him and scared to leave.  But I know he must be sorry, because I got flowers today.

I got flowers today....Today was a very special day. It was the day of my funeral. Last night he finally killed me.  He beat me to death.

If only I had gathered enough courage and strength to leave him.

I wouldn't have gotten flowers to day...........

© Paulette Kelly 1992

 

This candle burns in memory of all those lost at the hands of someone they loved and trusted. 

 

 

What will you do to help end the violence?

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Links For Help

 

                     

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