HE'LL NEVER CHANGE...Or Will He

Working with Nonviolent Alternatives has offered the opportunity for me to observe life with a different perspective.  Like AA or NA the program slogan it works if you work it, is also true for changing abusive actions and stopping the violence.  Without this fundamental belief I couldn't be an effective facilitator in a program that encourages attendees to look deeper within themselves, thinking differently about their life and the world around them. Attendees are treated with respect and taught they can and do make a difference in their own life and those of others, either positively or negatively.  When we understand we have a choice in our own life and are not the victim of our surroundings or the belief systems taught within families for generations we become empowered to take a stand and to make a change.  While not everyone will put in the effort to make the changes for themselves "many" in this program do. Here is one of those examples.

Client X, a thirty year old black male enrolled in our program in August 2015.  His history included domestic violence, substance use and multiple arrests.  Client X served three years of a six year sentence for a prior domestic charge. Client X indicated at the enrollment process a past which included guns, fights, intimidation of others to get what he wanted. This client also indicated he would like to turn his life around and was tired of being in trouble and didn't want to go back to jail. Client X was told with an open mind and heart and willingness to do the work to change his life he would get the tools he needed by showing up every week, paying attention and applying what he learned to his life, not just in close relationships with girlfriends etc, but to all facets of his life.

Each week Client X sits in the middle of the class, participates and is able to express what he is taking away from the lesson during the go-around at the end of class.  Last night was no exception. Client X also shared what had happened to him that morning when going to his place of business.

In his words: "I showed up at work and there was these two guys, one with a gun and told me to give him my money. I told him no problem, I will give you what you want I don't want no trouble." At the same time another employee ran across the street and called the police.  The partner of the gun-man yelled, come on the cops are on the way, and they ran off.  "If it wasn't for what I been learning here, I would be doing what I always did, I would'a acted a fool and got right in the middle of it and doing stuff to get me right back in trouble". I gotta tell ya it feels pretty good to be sitting here and knowing I ain't going to jail again." I know I can do better and I want better." 

This blog is written with the permission of Client X.

(Disclaimer: The first responsibility of Nonviolent Alternatives is to the families/victims of the program attendees and in no way should the assumption be made "he is cured".  Each person must make their choice in every situation to choose to act with integrity.

We strongly encourage you to contact the domestic violence hotline at 1-800-322-7385 and get connected to a local advocate to help you develop a safety plan. Please do not accept your partner's reasons/excuses/justifications for their abusive actions.)

Face Book posting: Men who hit women are scrum

My history of living in an abusive relationship and experience of sixteen years working with batterers and my Unity principals, tell me a different story. Many of the men I have worked with grew up in homes where they were taught how to behave this way. They were victims of abuse as children. They lived in homes where they were taken to churches that told them they were the boss and women and children were subservient to males. Domestic violence has a very long history in the world.

Please don't misunderstand, what they did and/or do was and is wrong. Calling them names or beating them up will not undo the harm they have done. Nor will it change the future for other women and children. This is where we really can make a change. Abuse isn't just hitting someone, it is the way we talk to and treat each other. How many of us have given an evil eye warning to one of our children to get them to stop what they were doing? (Intimidation).  How many have spanked their child and called it discipline? (Fear), no lesson is taught in hitting a child except to fear adults. When we discipline in love with a clear lesson children learn how to become compassionate, loving adults. They learn not to speak with abuse or act with abuse because it is wrong to do so.

People who abuse other people have learned a thinking pattern that gives themselves excuses and reasons why this time using abuse is the right thing and even the only thing to do.  This time it is okay to treat someone differently than I want to be treated because...  

When we use these excuses we are pushing down that voice inside that knows it isn't okay. We relieve our "guilt" by explaining it away.  We push the responsibility of our behavior on to another.  "If you hadn't said that or done this I wouldn't have to do the things I do".  At Nonviolent Alternatives, this is called "blame shifting" Shifting the responsibility for my words and actions to another.  By doing so, it becomes easy for me to see myself as a victim, convincing myself I had no other choice, they made me do it. We have been conditioned to see the level of abuse which reaches a level that breaks the law, that isn't where it starts. There is probably long-term abuse which has reached the level where law enforcement is now interceding.

Abuse is abuse no matter if it reaches the legal definition or not and can go on for many years and never reach the level that law enforcement becomes involved. This is the abuse that is carried from one generation to the next. I have watched people look at children and say things like "those kids have no respect" if I live in a home where respect isn't taught then where do I learn to be respectful?  As we go through this holiday season may we rethink our values and those we want our children to have.  Be the shining light of example in a child's life.  Each child deserves at least one healthy parent, let that parent be you.

Blessings and happy holidays to all.

Fear Mongering

Stop following the rhetoric of the fear mongers. Fear is exactly how people become controlled. Intimidation by a bully. Our current condition of the world is not a border problem, this is a bully problem. Sitting behind a microphone on a TV or radio talk show spouting fear and hatred toward a person or group of people isn't the way to alignment and peace.

Any time we don't know about something, we fear its existence, we blame that for our situation in life. We make that the reason for all our problems. I have watched posts that have woven the Paris attacks in the continuous degrading and belittling of President Obama in to the mix of reasons for blaming him for all the ills in the world and our personal lives. Statement of finding hate and killing message in the Qumran. How many statements of violence exist in the Bible? (see Violence In the Bible NPR)

Which each attack on any portion of humanity, we become more and more fearful of what we don't know.  I suggest we stop being lead around by the loudest voice and investigate the source of the fear and the agenda behind it.  Why is it is so important for us to find fault in others? How does this help me to grow as human being with a heart and mind of my own. When I follow for the sake of following I have no idea where I might be lead to.  When I choose my own path, my journey, seek my own knowledge I find a greater understanding and a desire to do no harm.

When I  am look inward I question the fears and explore the basis of my own belief system. What is the truth I find?  I find I choose not to live in fear, I choose not to hate, I choose not to blame others for my life condition. I do choose love, I do choose peace, I do choose responsibility for myself and I do choose not to allow others to determine how I feel about the world and the people in it. Namaste.

Paris November 13, 2015

As all were busy living their lives, attend quiet dinners, evenings with family or attending a rock concert, unknown forces chose to bomb, shoot and kill these unsuspecting souls. The survivors and us are left with disbelief, grief and no understanding of what happened.

As a follower of Unity and the principles with which we are taught to live by, this is unfathomable in comprehension. I was even advised by one good intentioned friend, to not be naive and know "they" are heading our way. In my Unity belief it is said "Thoughts held in mind produce like kind", so for me I shall not use or say words like get even, this is awful though at the moment it feels this way.  I choose however to shine the Light of Love as brightly as possible. To share healing words to comfort those hurting. To ease the devastating feelings one feels from the trigger event which will arise from this news.

I pray each and everyone who chooses to voice an opinion will do so with words of grace and kindness knowing it isn't an acceptance of the actions which caused such damage, but for the grace and healing power the words deliver to those in need of them.  I cannot deny that even within myself I desire justice for the wrong done.  I have to however question what exactly is justice. Does that mean an eye for an eye, a wound for a wound, a hurt for a hurt?  I think not. From my own journey to the here and now, I have found for myself, these thoughts and these feelings of justification for retaliation only create more hurt and do not heal, but rather promote only more of the same. If I want to heal the wound I cannot do so by causing more injury.  When I cut myself cooking, I do not cut it farther to make the wound better. No indeed, I tend to the wound, protect the wound and figure out how can I avoid this in the future.

I know there will be many who say this analogy is far too simple, but is it?  Where exactly do we find the answer if not in simplest of solutions?  I ask you think about the feeling you experience when someone takes the simple action of holding your hand and standing in silence.  May we today, tomorrow and forever after reach out to take the hand of a stranger without fear or expectation, rather to demonstrate our willingness to assist in the transformation from misunderstanding, fear and hate to a better understanding in the fearlessness of love and acceptance.

Namaste