Thursday, November 30, 2017

The Power of Hate

How many times have I said, "oh I just hate that",  far too many is how many. Take a moment think of something you have said this to or about, close your eyes, now pay attention to your body as you say it out loud again. Feel the way your body reacted, your breathing, the posture of your body.  Hate has a huge impact on us not just emotionally, but physically as well. Why would I allow anything to have this much power over me?  When I hate something it consumes my thinking. I can push it aside for a moment then someone will mention that which is the object of my discomfort and I'm off again thinking and focusing on that which has become my master and made me the slave.

I remember two people in my life I swore I hated with everything in me. Yes they lived in my head all the time.  I would decide to do something and then think, what would "he" think about this and how would "he" react to my choice, my decision? I spent so much time focused on what "he" would think, even though neither of them were in my life any longer, that I became somewhat emotionally paralyzed incapable of making decisions for the worry of those conversations in my head. Something had to change.

That something was forgiveness.  Take a deep breath, it will be okay. I know many will immediately think of that person, place or thing, and the hate sets in and begins its take over thoughts.  Try for this moment to not allow that to happen. For just a moment breathe in and out allow your mind to settle for a moment.  Now what if I release that person, place or thing from my mind and say out loud "I forgive you".  The fear is I will loose control if I forgive them.  The fact is that forgiveness releases me from their hold. That very hold that has kept me from being who I really am, being my authentic self now has no more power.  Forgiveness is rarely about the other person and always about myself.

In forgive my mind is no longer consumed with that over whelming desire to get even, get revenge, to punish them.  I can now focus on what is important to me.  This forgiveness doesn't mean I forget what happened, how badly I was hurt, how horrible my life was at the time.  It does allow me to walk away from the past and the hold it had on me.

Hate is a word I rarely use these days.  I may say I really dislike something, but I longer have to be consumed with it every waking hour.  To move forward, I release and let go of that which has bound me emotionally.  We have learned to tolerate things in our lives and try to live around that which is uncomfortable and unwanted.  Today I no longer tolerate that which I do not wanted in my life.  I don't hate it, I let go of it and give it to my higher power to deal with.  May today your find the ability to let go, stop hating and begin to love the life you have and focus on what is important and not that which is past.  Stop now and start your new life. Find your authentic self and love that, nurture that, build that life.

Best regards and Namaste!

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

I See Domestic Violence This Way

With so many news stories of late about sexual harassment, sexual assault, sexual misconduct, etc, it causes me to pause and ask, what is going on?  Actually nothing new as this has been around for centuries. Being a survivor of both domestic violence and sexual assault I have spent many years processing, forgiving and healing.  The forgiveness to others for their actions against me was given to them for my personl benefit.  Healing cannot take place until I choose to let go of their power over me and live may life to the best of my ability. This doesn't mean their actions were okay, nor that I forget about them, but that I no longer allow them to live in my head causing me to question and doubt my own choices and belief system.  I trust my judgement and know I am making choices that are in my best interest.

My definition and of abuse, "Anything I Say or Do That Violates the Golden Rule". That definition was adopted by me from (Terry Moore's batterer intervention program; Nonviolent Alternatives), where I was fortunate enough to have worked for two decades. The program teaches people to look within their own heart and conscience to decide for themselves if the life they are living is lived with integrity or abusive thinking patterns that are then acted upon against others ultimately living without integrity and causing their own bad outcomes.

We all have our moments of a lack of integrity, however a healthy thinking person will be made aware by their own mind/conscience, correct the wrong and work to not do it again. Once I have reconciled my conscience with the behavior and have deemed it abuse, I can no longer say, I didn't know that was abusive, thereby making any action of the same behavior in the future is done so by choice and disregard for others.

We keep asking ourselves over and over, why is "stuff" always happening to me?  If the statement has ever passed through your head, I suggest (as the " AA big book" would say),  make a deliberate searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Abusive actions are present in all of us. It is up to each individual to determine for themselves what needs changed in their life to bring their actions closer to the integrity they wish to live by and be seen by others as.

I recently had this conversation with a friend and stated that repeatedly trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do is abusive in nature. If they have told me, no I don't want to do that, then to insist upon my way to be had is abusive.  The only action with integrity would be to respect "their no" and move on. This acceptance on our part is a show of integrity and the ability to allow others to have their way allows them to maintain their dignity and self respect. To do anything less is a lack of integrity and thereby is an abusive action.

While I know there will be those who disagree with this idea of self recognition being possible and others will look at it and state how insignificant the trespass was, and I would say to those individuals I appreciate your opinion and recognize your choice and would respectfully disagree. If I am continually giving up on my own values to be in a relationship, I AM in the WRONG relationship!

Wishing all a day of joy, integrity and peace.