Women Should Cover Up (Justifying the wrong)

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month postings have begun to bring attention to this subject. This was the first story I saw as I signed on to Face Book today.

“Telling all men not to rape is somewhat simplistic. I’m certainly not justifying the evil in any way-but…”

• Women didn't get rape in the 1700’s they wore clothing that covered them from head to toe.
• When you look like a slut, you get treated like a slut.
• It’s like looking both ways before you cross the street; you wouldn't  because it is dangerous. You have to protect yourself again the danger.

Yes you are justifying rape.  Telling men not to rape is exactly what we should be saying. Sexual assault isn’t about what I am wearing or not wearing.  It IS about power and control. Men have been raping for as far back as time has been documented.  We are still living in a rape culture.  Men are still taught they are superior to women.  Television, movies, commercials, advertising all sexualize women and few people are objecting to it, including women.

The culture we live in tells girls and women in order to be seen you must look a certain way.  If you use your body and looks you can have a blank check... (Provided you are willing to participate in the very behavior that exploits you and other women).  Teaching our sons to not look at women as objects as toys, or that in some way women are somehow lesser than being male is exactly the right thing to do. 

*Following is an open letter from a father to his son: 

 Seeing a Woman: A conversation between a father and son

August 14, 2013 — natepyle.com

Someday I am going to have to have the conversation with my son.  No, not the conversation all parents dread giving and all kids are mortified having.  I enjoy making people uncomfortable so that conversation should be fun.

No, I’m talking about another conversation.  The one that happens after I catch his eye doing what male eyes do well – following an object of lust.  We will probably be out at the mall, because that’s what dads do with their sons, and I’ll catch the look.  Maybe we’ll go to the beach and see it.  Doesn’t matter where it is, there will come a time when I will see it.  And then it will be time for this conversation.

*****

Hey, come here.  Let me talk to you.  I saw you look at her.  I’m not judging you or shaming you.  I know why you did.  I get it.  But we have to talk about it because how you look at a woman matters.

A lot of people will try and tell you that a woman should watch how she dresses so she doesn’t tempt you to look at her wrongly.  Here is what I will tell you.  It is a woman’s responsibility to dress herself in the morning.  It is your responsibility to look at her like a human being regardless of what she is wearing.  You will feel the temptation to blame her for your wandering eyes because of what she is wearing – or not wearing.  But don’t.  Don’t play the victim.  You are not a helpless victim when it comes to your eyes.  You have full control over them.  Exercise that control.  Train them to look her in the eyes.  Discipline yourself to see her, not her clothes or her body.  The moment you play the victim you fall into the lie that you are simply embodied reaction to external stimuli unable to determine right from wrong, human from flesh. Look right at me.  That is a ridiculous lie.

You are more than that.  And the woman you are looking at is more than her clothes.  She is more than her body.  There is a lot of talk about how men objectify women, and largely, it is true.  Humans objectify the things they love in effort to control them.  If you truly love a person, do not reduce them to an object.  The moment you objectify another human – woman or man, you give up your humanity.

There are two views regarding a woman’s dress code that you will be pressured to buy into.  One view will say that women need to dress to get the attention of men.  The other view will say women need to dress to protect men from themselves.  Son, you are better than both of these.  A woman, or any human being, should not have to dress to get your attention.  You should give them the full attention they deserve simply because they are a fellow human being.  On the other side, a woman should not have to feel like she needs to protect you from you.  You need to be in control of you.

Unfortunately, much of how the sexes interact with each is rooted in fear.  Fear of rejection, fear of abuse, fear of being out of control.  In some ways, the church has added to this.  We fear each other because we have been taught the other is dangerous.  We’ve been a taught a woman’s body will cause men to sin.  We’re told that if a woman shows too much of her body men will do stupid things.  Let’s be clear: a woman’s body is not dangerous to you.  Her body will not cause you harm.  It will not make you do stupid things.  If you do stupid things it is because you chose to do stupid things.  So don’t contribute to the fear that exists between men and women.

A woman’s body is beautiful and wonderful and mysterious.  Respect it by respecting her as an individual with hopes and dreams and experiences and emotions and longings.  Let her be confident.  Encourage her confidence.  But don’t do all this because she is weaker.  That’s the biggest bunch of crap out there.  Women are not weaker than men.  They are not the weaker sex.  They are the other sex.

I’m not telling you to not look at women.  Just the opposite.  I’m telling you to see women.  Really see them.  Not just with your eyes, but with your heart.  Don’t look to see something that tickles your senses, but see a human being.

My hope is that changing how you see women will change how you are around them.  Don’t just be around women.  Be with women, because in the end, they want to be with you, without fear of being judged, or shamed, or condemned, or objectified, or being treated as other.  And that’s not just what women want.  That’s what people want.  Ultimately, it’s what you want.

I Can Say What I Want

Today I read a posting which said: “I like when I don’t have to be careful about what I say. That’s when you know you're with the right people.” (Spirit Science)

Caution to not confuse this with saying whatever I please because I know you well. In the work I do with families of domestic violence it has been my experience abusive people use familiarity as a justification to say or do what they want. For example: one session we were discussing the use of words that are considered profanity.  I was trying to draw out the thinking behind the actions. Many times the thoughts are “that fuckin’ bitch”.  I was having difficulty getting the group to use the language that is inherent to their habit level thinking which produces abusive actions. I stopped and asked why they were having difficulty saying those words in class.

Them: I am trying to be respectful to you.

Me: Why do you believe you need to be respectful to me?

Them: Because you are a woman and you are older and the teacher.

Me: I see.

Me: How long have you known me?

Them: The answers range from 1 week to 26 weeks based on the client’s attendance.

Me: I see. So what I am hearing you say is I deserve more respect from you than the people you profess to love the most (mothers, fathers, wives, girlfriends, and children).

Them: Well they know me and how I am. I am with them all the time so I say what I want. You know when people get to know you that’s just how you talk.

No matter how well I know someone I still am required to be respectful, kind and considerate. Many times abusive people have habit level thinking of no matter what I say, my "wife, husband, child---whomever, understands that's just the way I am. In these families, there is more consideration given to strangers than the people they profess to love. Even in the most intimate of relationships there is still the need for basic respect.  Being able to tell you anything is much different than saying anything I please.

Cinderella 2015 (Be courageous and kind)

In many of the women’s sessions I facilitate we often speak of the fairy tales we remember from our childhood and how many ended with “happily ever after”.  Additionally we discuss how we have all looked for the fairy tale and came up disappointed when our “Prince Charming” was really the “Duke of Earl”.  Tonight a friend and I attended the newly released Cinderella movie and were surrounded by dozens of “Cinderella’s” some in jeans and tennis shoes and some with small tiaras, wands in hand, bejeweled purses, blue dresses and yes “glass” slippers.  I watched as they took their seats to be swept away into the Disney magic.

 At this point you might be asking yourself why did this sixty-six year old women go to a children’s movie without a child in tow.  The short answer is I had to see if it was the same as I remembered the story to be and was it still a happily ever after ending.  Well, yes and no.  While the story still follows the original story line, there was a different under lying message of the importance of being you.

Cinderella’s mother instilled in her (before her untimely death) the importance of being one’s self, being courageous and kind to others no matter how they might treat you.  Then ending was a little different from the animated version I saw years ago.  The prince still had to seek out his princess, only when he found her before she would even try on the slipper she said he would have to accept her as she was.  Not a princess, because she wasn't but as a person and the importance of having courage and being kind.  Therefore just as our beauty takes the hand of her new love she looks over her shoulder and says to her step mother, “I forgive you”.  Let us never forget to see the magic in the world, especially when it feels like the world may be falling down all around us.  And may we all find the courage to be ourselves no matter how others may see us, or try to change us and the ability to be kind when doing so isn't the easy choice.

Women: We Can Be Our Own Worst Enemy

What would we all do without Face Book, Twitter or all the other means of posting our deepest thoughts and craziest moments?  Running through my own feed today it came to my attention just how many postings are directed at women.  Not all of them deliver a message worth reading, imagine that.  Today my favorite was one telling the reader the "the most dangerous animal" in the world was a silent woman sitting with a smile on her face. This tidbit was supplied to the reader through a radio station's post.  Thank you Alice 105.9 Denver, CO for your insightful understanding of the female psychological state.

This is the United States and we still have the freedom of speech so they may post all they want.  Today's blog is the response given to these postings by women.  After going through other postings it stands out that many of my own gender (female if you don't know me), join in and promote the degradation of our gender. Ladies we are at times our own worst critic.  We talk about each other and put each other down. We stand with the "popular" afraid of not being accepted.  We build walls of protection from fear of being vulnerable. We are so busy worrying about what someone else is thinking about us we don't live the life we are meant to live.

Today I encourage each of you to think about your own life:

• What are the messages I send to others about myself and women as a whole?
• Do I give respect to myself and others?
• Do I stand silent when my voice needs to be heard?
• Am I part of my own belittlement?
• Do I hide in the shadow so I won't be seen because it feels safer?

Affirmation for today: I open my eyes to the world and seek enlightenment of my soul. I believe in myself and encourage others to do the same. ~Namaste~