Today I read a posting which said: “I like when I don’t have
to be careful about what I say. That’s when you know you're with the right
people.” (Spirit Science)
Caution to not confuse this with saying whatever
I please because I know you well. In the work I do with families of domestic
violence it has been my experience abusive people use familiarity as a
justification to say or do what they want. For example: one session we were
discussing the use of words that are considered profanity. I was trying
to draw out the thinking behind the actions. Many times the thoughts are “that
fuckin’ bitch”. I was having difficulty getting the group to use the
language that is inherent to their habit level thinking which produces abusive
actions. I stopped and asked why they were having difficulty saying those words
in class.
Them: I am trying to be respectful to
you.
Me: Why do you
believe you need to be respectful to me?
Them: Because you are a woman and you
are older and the teacher.
Me: I see.
Me: How long
have you known me?
Them: The answers range from 1 week
to 26 weeks based on the client’s attendance.
Me: I see. So
what I am hearing you say is I deserve more respect from you than the people
you profess to love the most (mothers, fathers, wives, girlfriends, and
children).
Them: Well they know me and how I am.
I am with them all the time so I say what I want. You know when people get to
know you that’s just how you talk.
No matter how well I know someone I still
am required to be respectful, kind and considerate. Many times abusive people
have habit level thinking of no matter what I say, my "wife, husband,
child---whomever, understands that's just the way I am. In these families,
there is more consideration given to strangers than the people they profess to
love. Even in the most intimate
of relationships there is still the need for basic respect. Being able to
tell you anything is much different than saying anything I please.
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