Thursday, February 25, 2016


I read a posting today that in a nutshell says we do not have any control over who we love, the statement being “you just fall in love and you get people who are wrong for you.”  Why would I give someone else that much power over me, my life and my feelings? Really being in love requires time and evidence of actions that demonstrate actions of love.  Even though it sounds cliché, love is a verb.

First Corinthians 13:4-7 (English Standard) says: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.  The difficulty is how we interrupt its meaning.  Love is all these things when used with integrity.  The difficulty comes when the message is taken out of context and used as a attempt to convince another if they “really love me” they would adhere to all within this passage and not question my actions or words.  When used in this manner the passage becomes abusive in nature, attempting to shame someone into submission to another’s will.

Never let anyone or any momentary feeling about another person convince you that there is no choice as to whom you choose to love and commit to.  I too have fallen more than once into the path of “I can’t help myself; I just love him so much.”  What became true for me was I was in love with the idea of being in love and fulfilling the lesson I had been taught, without a partner I was not a complete person.  OMG…. You mean I am a complete person and I can be that all on my own! 

Choosing is exactly what we get to do!  Even if we are very drawn to someone, we still have the ability and responsibility to choose and choose well. This is not to say that others can’t be very good at hiding who they really are for a very long time.  I need to watch for the little things that are in reality the big things.  We don’t ask enough questions about this new found heart throb, it feels too good and what if we ask the wrong question and they don’t want to see me again?  I don’t mean have a list ready for your first date, but I do mean ask interesting and searching questions.  Have conversations about their childhood, their parents, and friends in school. Listen when they tell you about their past relationships.  How do they speak about their last relationship?  Even if there was abuse in my last relationship, there had to be something that was good something that drew me to this person or I wouldn’t have been in the relationship.  Be mindful we all make mistakes and there is a difference in a mistake and being abusive.  People love to talk about themselves and will tell us plenty if we choose to listen and not get drawn in by all the attractions.  Just like the trailer for a new movie, the promoters know the scenes to show us to get up drawn in and just waiting for the day they movie opens. Then we show up pay for our ticket and settle in to enjoy what we have been waiting for, only to be horribly disappointed when the actual movie doesn’t measure up to the hype. Attraction to people works in much the same way.  We see what the promoter wants us to see.  We buy the ticket, we get involved too deeply, too soon and the cost is far more than a few buckets for the opportunity.  The cost becomes giving up ourselves, for living a live we never wanted.  We keep telling ourselves “I can make it better; I just have to act different, dress different, change my friends, distance myself from my family.  None of which is in line with the real honest love. There are no challenges to love; there are only challenges to behavior and our perception of circumstances in our lives.  The love doesn’t change.  Honest love is always present in our hearts.  I may not like you much today based on my feelings about something that has happened, thoughts by the way which are brought on by my own thinking, but that doesn’t change my love for you.  We all disagree with our partners from time to time and a healthy relationship knows how to settle disagreements without anger or malice.  Love is built over time with the ideals we share that are healthy and beneficial to us both. The attraction we "call love" is more often curiosity and we get so wrapped up in the "feel good" of it all at the moment and we put blinders on so as to not see the truth of the relationship because we want a relationship so badly. We want a relationship so badly because we have been conditioned to believe there must be something wrong with us if we don't have a relationship.   I still believe in love and happily ever after, and I know what my part is in making my personal happiness.  I also know Love does not hurt; Love is pure and does not have the capacity to hurt and that I deserve honest love and do not have to settle for less.

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