The Danger In Being "Brutally Honest"

First let's just pull the word brutal out of the title and define it.

(Brutal - In a savagely violent way. He was imprisoned and brutally tortured; in a direct way that does not attempt to disguise unpleasantness or ill-temperateness. She was unapologetic and brutally honest"

For me there is a huge difference in being honest with integrity and being brutal and hurtful with the truth. Expressing one's self with honesty requires me to treat even my worst enemy as I would want to be treated. Religious, nonreligious, Christian, Hindu, Buddha, no matter the title of belief, the core is the same. Treat others the way you would want to be treated.

When we preface our words with "brutally honest" it is telling ourselves that in this case I am excused of being kind or caring of the words I use as I am only speaking what is true and you need to know this no matter how I deliver the information to you.  While it may be true and may need said it doesn't have to be said without care of the other person's feelings. Even when the other person is in the wrong.  Two wrongs have never made a right. In the end no one gains anything useful in this practice. Being "brutally honest" does more harm than good as people are defensive and closed minded and will not hear the message anyway. They are too busy trying to find a way to retaliate. The truth isn't always pleasant or pretty, however we are capable of delivering the truth with the least amount of pain to the other person as possible. We may not be able to save them from the pain they will experience about the truth, however we do not need to add to their pain.

With so much deception in the world at this moment, being honest with ones self  is paramount. If I can't be honest with myself, I definitely cannot be honest with anyone else. Herein lies the quandary we need to get to. I want to be honest but...  There is no substitute for the truth. Can I deliver that truth with the least amount of pain as possible. Being a good friend doesn't mean I agree with you all the time, and it doesn't give me a right to be "brutally honest" There is no excuse for willfully injuring someone with words or deed. Our leaders have an opportunity daily to be an example of truth tellers, yet fail miserably in their efforts.

As parents and grandparents we have an obligation to teach our children the value of truth with as much kindness as possible.  May your day be blessed and in turn may your expression bless others.

Where Will You Stand In History?

I read a posting by friend of a friend and her words brought these words to mind for me. Thank you Alex Wolf…

We as women (and those enlightened men strong enough to include gender, sexual orientation, and nationality without feeling emasculated) read the following phrase so differently than the current self serving old white men in DC.  "The Preamble to the Constitution is clear as it starts "We the people, to form a "more" perfect union"; while we were a fledgling union our forefathers had the foresight to see a document need be put in place to protect future generations without regard or exception to all living breathing persons with in our borders. 

What a sad lot the elected officials have become in their execution of the law of the land. They seem to be twisting those laws to be self- serving. While you may not be the representative promoting exclusion or exception your silence solidifies your place in history.  It is time to stand up, speak out and do the jobs you were elected to do. You, ladies and gentlemen of the House and Senate, are to be the leaders, the people selected by "the people throughout the United States", selected to represent our opinions and protect us all.  Your election was to do the will of the people in the best interest of the people without bias or concern of whether you like or dislike those same people. Your bias is to never stand in the way of doing your sworn duties.

As an elected official you do not have the luxury to plaque or acquiesce, but rather you are charged with the duty of understanding the law of the land, and to follow rules that are for all not a privileged few, and that the law is applied equally. It is time “our elected officials” start acting like adults, stop fighting over whom the biggest, strongest, most liked, has more money, or more influential and work together.  It is time to show those people who voted for you they were right in having faith in you and show the rest of us their vote wasn’t misguided.  Stop trying to divide us and our nation.

At the end of the day all you truly have is your conscience and integrity or lack thereof. There is no taking any worldly possession with you no matter how hard you try.  Do you want to be remembered as the person who lead well during your life or as the person that helped to divide a nation, who cheated the American public, whose gains were gotten on the backs of the poor and who failed to protect and serve at a most crucial time, but failed to take a stand for justice? It is up to you.

Who I Am (is my choice)

I was gently reminded today, by a text from a friend, of my responsibly to myself and others while living in a world that seems topsy-turby and out of control.  My friend doesn't know this revelation, as she was actually thanking me for something she was grateful of which was connected to me. In her gratitude I realized I had been missing the mark of late. While I would love to pin the responsibility for my actions anywhere but with myself, I know in the end "the buck stops here, "Ouch!"

Acting as an adult, a person of integrity which can express herself in a positive manor, by no means, indicates I am a push over.  People may mistake my none-action as a flaw or weakness. This is where we can get in to trouble, by becoming concerned about what others may say or think of our actions or none action. When our minds gets wrapped up in this emotional ping-pong game, it is easy to loose focus of the truth.

So how do I defend my position, stand my ground? I do so in not participating with abusive actions or statements. I can deny your choice with non-accusatory words that explain my choice.  I do not have to belittle or demean you in order for me to have what I want or need. Integrity is always a choice. Instead of yelling at you and telling you how wrong you are, I can choose to say "I understand your point, although my experience has been different than yours and I will have to think more about your opinion". I can respect your opinion and still disagree.  In expressing my opinion and taking a stand on the subject."  There is no argument, no right or wrong in this exchange of thought and it leaves others with their dignity intact. I can oppose your view with facts that I have and believe. When we start calling each other names, blaming one an other for the problem, insisting this is all your fault, we are no longer debating the issue we are now judging each other.  The topic is no longer in front of us and all focus on the problem has been lost. We have moved from listening and understanding to anger and resentment.

As I go through today I will make a precise and conscious effort to hear you, allow you space, allow your thoughts without judgement and stay focused on the problem.

May we all come together in love and settle the confusion of out world with peaceful measures. From my heart to yours. Namaste...

My World Today

 Depending on one's background, family belief systems, spiritual influence, religious mandates, all will help to form our opinions on and about the world we live in and share with others. I was raised in a middle class home with my father, mother and two siblings. Our father passed when I was fifteen and in all that time I don't remember any conversation for or against the LGBTQ community or lifestyle. I did have a couple male cousins who, as I was to find out later, were gay. Again my immediate family made no change in how these men were treated or spoken to or about.  Then at a family reunion one year two bothers started speaking to each other and the longer they talked the louder they became until both were screaming at the other. This would be my first introduction to the idea "there may be something wrong about that life style", even though at the time I still wasn't sure just what "that life-style" meant.

This was over fifty years ago. Fifty years ago and we are still fighting over who can love whom, who have rights to live the way they want and who doesn't, who can have a family with two adults and children, and who can't or shouldn't based on their sexual orientation. I am an adult now and see the world through totally different lenses. I know and love several LGBTQ people. I attend church with them, celebrations of life, parties, theater, lunches and dinners with them. At the end of the day it is none of my business what two consenting adults do. Not everyone holds this belief. Many still want to tell others how to live and who to love and use the Bible and their personal interpretation of "the word" to shame and belittle them to prove this point.

Since this last election day, much has been said on this and other topics about religion, sexuality, national origin and what rules apply and whom they apply to. It seems if I have a famous name, live in a mansion, work at a top level position or born into privilege the rules don't apply to me. The rules are only for those of us who apparently are unable to think for ourselves in these matters. What has begun to be concerning to me is how narrow the approval list is becoming. Many social media sites are filled with so many misinformed and untrue stories. We continue passing these pieces along without taking the time to verify the substance or the validity of what we are reading.

We are now living in one of those places in time that we have a stand to take on so many issues least we  find ourselves repeating the not so distant past. This election has left many of us feeling blindsided by the outcome, still reeling from the news, while attempting to find our center again. We are worried and even scared about what is ahead of us. We are concerned too of how many of our friends lives, and our own lives for the matter, are in the path of those who would do harm to someone based on their heritage or sexual orientation. We can not desert these causes and the people we care about. More than ever we need to speak out when we hear predigest rhetoric, homophobic slurs, see racial profiling. Being that voice which stands for all people of all countries and nations.

It has also been brought to my attention people I though were of true liberal mind, are actually very conservative and do not agree with my own belief system. This is one of the most disappointing realities to come to terms with.  There are people I love and care about, and will continue to care about though I now know this fact about them.  This is where my integrity is tested, loving those around me though they do not see my world the way I see it.

One of the biggest lessons in life is how to agree to disagree and maintain everyone's dignity through it all.  At the end of the day who is it I want around me, who is it I want to share my time and love with? These are the important questions for us all. How do I support you without betraying myself? So I shall act to the conscience within me and allow you to do the same.  I shall, to the best of my ability, share a space that has been altered from its former self. I invite you to take stock, decide your own priorities and choose what your future holds.

May your Thanksgiving be filled with many blessings and much love.

Domestic Violence Information Links and Assisants

Many events are planned and held in October around domestic violence.  We attempt to educate the public, find more answers for ourselves when working with victims and abusive people. How do we help put an end to domestic violence? While we have made progress, we are still on a long road to the eradication of violence in our homes. We must first understand the mean of the words

Domestic Violence, even the words don't go together. The dictionary defines to domesticate:
(of an animal) tame and kept as a pet or on a farm: domesticated dogs;
(of a plant) cultivate for food, naturalized, domesticated crops; and the third listed is noted as (humorous - especially of a man) fond of home life and housework, he is thoroughly domesticated.

If this is this is the way we look at this one word how do we begin to change the actions wrapped around, in and through lives where domestic violence exists?  This definition fits with the long and deeply held belief that a woman's place is at home. I remember being a young girl playing house thinking about when I would one day be a woman and have my own husband, home and family. How wonderful it was all going to be. My parents had a good marriage, and they were kind caring people. Imagine my shock when I found out not all marriages were like that. From this experience I would later in life work to end domestic violence, by assisting victims and working with abusive people to change their thinking and thereby change their behavior.

When we see violence it imprints our brain this is becoming evermore understanding as brain mapping and study of homes where there is violence are observed.  The stories shared by people who experience domestic violence can be found anywhere, any time of day or night in every sociological setting. Domestic violence know no boundaries in race, creed, religion, color, sexual orientation or economic standing. I invite you to learn about domestic violence, what it is and isn't. How to identify it, what to do if experiencing it for yourself or someone you know. There are many programs in each state that provide services for both victim and abuser.  In Indiana, Nonviolent Alternatives provides program designed to identify abusive behavior and correct it so people may live happier more fulfilling lives.  Many programs across the state provide victim assistance, I suggest Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence if you are seeking victim assistance.

As we study more and learn more it has been found the brain of children witnessing violence become "marked" with affects of the violence they hear and see.  Learning how our brain is effected with help us to deal with the problems of children living in homes where domestic violence is happening Brain changes due to domestic violence. How do we stop domestic violence, by protecting our children from it and providing them with loving caring homes. Domestic violence is a cyclical problem among families whose lives are surrounded and interwoven with domestic violence.

Changing these patterns requires we begin to address the way our society looks at violence in general, how women are treated and mistreated, accepting there is a rape culture alive and mingled in our neighborhoods, our system of education and still in many professions.

Be a part of the change. Don't standby and without speaking up. The future of our children depend on you getting involved, being a leader, a better informed parent and living as an example of a violent free lifestyle.

Domestic Violence Awareness Month-Oct 2016

Each year in October the Indiana Coalition Against Domestic Violence holds their annual two-day conference.Officially formed in 1980 and dedicated to ending the devastating conditions that surround abusive relationships. Women and men from all over Indiana gather to learn more about how they can assist victims of domestic violence. It has been my honor to have been a member of the coalition since 2000 as well as a presenter in more than one conference. In 2014 I was honored as the recipient of their award for “Batterers Intervention Professional of the year".

In prior years intervention was the focus sharing experience and creating policies that would eventually form the coalition to its current status. In the beginning, the goal was focused on intervention and assistance to women and children needing to leave and had no idea where to go or what to do to protect themselves from the person who was supposed to love them the most. Eventually, monies became available through federal grants to build shelters and provide a structured and cohesive response to the victims of domestic violence and sexual assault.  The focus has now shifted to prevention work and how to change the cultural acceptance of violence in our families, homes, schools, and neighborhoods throughout our state which leads me to the here and now.

Giving all the work set forth by so many I find it appalling the (Indiana) Governor (now running as the possible next VP of the nation) can in good conscience support and condone the behavior of his running mate, whose actions are the very definition of intimidation and threats to achieve his goal of control over another person, a woman.  This behavior has been witnessed by anyone who has a television or internet connection. There seems to be no escaping it.  Mike Pence said he didn’t understand why Michelle Obama had so passionately condemned his running mate. This same governor will tell you he doesn't condone the behavior then offer excuses for it stating “the man apologized for his poor choice of words, but they were just words so let’s move on''. Moving on means dismissing the countless number of domestic violence and sexual assault victims everywhere. Moving on says we accept this behavior. Moving on says we are not protecting our future generations. Moving on says we still have much to learn and understand about men and women and the acceptable behavior between them.

As a teenager many years ago, I saw my cousin after her boyfriend beat her, leaving her bleeding and broken in a heap on her front porch. The neighbors called the police who came and told her there was nothing they could do, maybe she needed to stay clear of him for a few days and let him cool down. They hadn’t seen the beating and therefore couldn’t arrest him. I was around thirteen at the time and I can remember thinking, “when I get a boyfriend I won’t choose one that would hit me.”  Why had she been in a relationship like this? So three years later when my boyfriend hit me, I told no one and hid my secret and carried the shame that I too had made such a bad choice in choosing a boyfriend. I must have done something wrong, what did I do to make him so made? These are the same questions victims ask themselves on a daily basis.  Too many times believing if they change some aspect of themselves his behavior will therefore change.

Typical to all domestic violence victims, we blame ourselves hoping that we can just correct that one word that one action that made him act this way. Somehow if we could do just that it will all change, it will somehow magically go away.  I know if I just love him more, not interrupt him, be sure all his needs are met, I know if I can do this it will be different.  But it isn’t different it is the same over and over again. Eventually we become broken and defeated and too tired to fight any longer. People ask “why do you stay with someone who treats you so badly?”  It seems like such a simple question however it has a very complex answer. No one wants to be in a relationship like this but feels trapped by either him or a society that doesn’t get it or both.  I can’t begin to count the number of times I have heard women say, “If a man ever hit me that it would be the last time”. “No one is going to treat me that way and get away with it.”

The ugly truth of it is once we reach the level of being hit, other abusive tactics have beaten us down, weakened our spirit and left us feeling exposed and domed to live this horrible nightmare forever.

Now we have someone running for the highest office in our country and he is displaying the same type of behavior. There are men who run our government siding with him, excusing his actions. Clergy are stepping up to explain away his behavior, he is just using” locker room-man talk and isn’t out of line, but rather a women trying to be better, higher than a man in service is the problem. I heard a preacher speak these words, “man was not made to be directed by a woman, it is an assault to the law of nature and God’s commandments.  There are those who would take away our rights as women to have a say in our own lives, to vote, to make our own decisions about our bodies.

We must be a united front against such atrocities. We must stand shoulder to shoulder and scream it to the highest mountain and the farthest shore, I am a woman, I have rights, and I am an individual with feelings, needs and power of my own. We shall not go backwards it would be akin to a slap in the face to those who came before us. We owe this to our children both girls and boys.  Teach of children to reason, to have opinion without being abusive when sharing that opinion. To think beyond today and to reach for the stars for they are theirs to have.

I will close with this request, after reading this you will make a pledge to yourself and all the children of the world, you will not stand ideally by and do or say nothing about the violence and treatment of women and children. We owe them better than that.

Declaring My Peace

The last couple days which have been filled with the election,not really the election, but of the individual rantings of who is the worse of the two people, which one election day will be chosen as our next POTUS. I have watched and listened to the ongoing tirade of each other realizing I have also been a part of this free for all. I found myself last night thinking of the many negative and often cruel posts. This morning as I made my usual peruse of social media I realize I have allowed my thoughts to be guided by others more than by my own convictions and feelings. I allowed past experiences to creep into my here and now, triggering very old and painful memories which were the catalyst to the eventual work I would find myself very dedicated to.  I am appalled by the way women are objectified, belittled and written off as a second class and sometimes not even that, but as belongings and property. I feel I have a responsibility to myself to maintain my own character within my statements and affirming of others. I can and must speak out, but rather than doing so in away that is negative, which is what gets us pulled in, I capable of disagreeing with integrity. I can speak my truth and only my truth, I make a choice to speak a positive truth (I believe she/he is the person for the job based on their attributes and strengths) and not on mud slinging and bashing someone. If I am focused on negative, I bring more negative by participating in it.

So here we are in the mist of it. How do I speak my truth without berating someone else? By stating what I want for myself and the world rather than what I don't want.  Though many believe it is of little use and even futile in practice, I have my own evidence to the contrary how speaking the positive impacts our lives. My spirituality says "thoughts held in mind, produce light kind".  Over and over again I have evidence it is true. Over and over again when I do not stick to my truth, I step into the past with all that it held while I watch the effects of old behavior creeping back to wreck havoc on my present. For nearly two decades I have also worked in the field of domestic violence providing my learning and understanding to others seeking to find a better way. I not only owe it myself to continue to seek truth, I also owe it to those I counsel and future generations. It can most assuredly be a challenging quest but one worth taking.

If I  go about my day blindly, randomly affirming this and denying that, at the end of the day I have to look at myself and ask what is important to me, what is mine to do, what is really at the very center of my conscience?  I have spent much of the last fifty or so years defining and refining my truth, building a good conscience to guide me.  I sit here realizing that once I step over that so very fragile line of conscience I risk loosing myself in the complicit pool of non-direction and confusion.

No matter how many times I denounce another as worse, the outcome of my reality will rest in my actions.  I have a responsibility to apply this learning and these conscience driven guidelines to my decision for the up coming election. While slogans, lies and truth about differences in the two candidates are tossed around, the final decision will be made on election day when each of us step into the voting booth expressing our voice with the vote of own conscience.

To live in peace and harmony, I must first declare it within myself.