Face Book posting: Men who hit women are scrum

My history of living in an abusive relationship and experience of sixteen years working with batterers and my Unity principals, tell me a different story. Many of the men I have worked with grew up in homes where they were taught how to behave this way. They were victims of abuse as children. They lived in homes where they were taken to churches that told them they were the boss and women and children were subservient to males. Domestic violence has a very long history in the world.

Please don't misunderstand, what they did and/or do was and is wrong. Calling them names or beating them up will not undo the harm they have done. Nor will it change the future for other women and children. This is where we really can make a change. Abuse isn't just hitting someone, it is the way we talk to and treat each other. How many of us have given an evil eye warning to one of our children to get them to stop what they were doing? (Intimidation).  How many have spanked their child and called it discipline? (Fear), no lesson is taught in hitting a child except to fear adults. When we discipline in love with a clear lesson children learn how to become compassionate, loving adults. They learn not to speak with abuse or act with abuse because it is wrong to do so.

People who abuse other people have learned a thinking pattern that gives themselves excuses and reasons why this time using abuse is the right thing and even the only thing to do.  This time it is okay to treat someone differently than I want to be treated because...  

When we use these excuses we are pushing down that voice inside that knows it isn't okay. We relieve our "guilt" by explaining it away.  We push the responsibility of our behavior on to another.  "If you hadn't said that or done this I wouldn't have to do the things I do".  At Nonviolent Alternatives, this is called "blame shifting" Shifting the responsibility for my words and actions to another.  By doing so, it becomes easy for me to see myself as a victim, convincing myself I had no other choice, they made me do it. We have been conditioned to see the level of abuse which reaches a level that breaks the law, that isn't where it starts. There is probably long-term abuse which has reached the level where law enforcement is now interceding.

Abuse is abuse no matter if it reaches the legal definition or not and can go on for many years and never reach the level that law enforcement becomes involved. This is the abuse that is carried from one generation to the next. I have watched people look at children and say things like "those kids have no respect" if I live in a home where respect isn't taught then where do I learn to be respectful?  As we go through this holiday season may we rethink our values and those we want our children to have.  Be the shining light of example in a child's life.  Each child deserves at least one healthy parent, let that parent be you.

Blessings and happy holidays to all.

Fear Mongering

Stop following the rhetoric of the fear mongers. Fear is exactly how people become controlled. Intimidation by a bully. Our current condition of the world is not a border problem, this is a bully problem. Sitting behind a microphone on a TV or radio talk show spouting fear and hatred toward a person or group of people isn't the way to alignment and peace.

Any time we don't know about something, we fear its existence, we blame that for our situation in life. We make that the reason for all our problems. I have watched posts that have woven the Paris attacks in the continuous degrading and belittling of President Obama in to the mix of reasons for blaming him for all the ills in the world and our personal lives. Statement of finding hate and killing message in the Qumran. How many statements of violence exist in the Bible? (see Violence In the Bible NPR)

Which each attack on any portion of humanity, we become more and more fearful of what we don't know.  I suggest we stop being lead around by the loudest voice and investigate the source of the fear and the agenda behind it.  Why is it is so important for us to find fault in others? How does this help me to grow as human being with a heart and mind of my own. When I follow for the sake of following I have no idea where I might be lead to.  When I choose my own path, my journey, seek my own knowledge I find a greater understanding and a desire to do no harm.

When I  am look inward I question the fears and explore the basis of my own belief system. What is the truth I find?  I find I choose not to live in fear, I choose not to hate, I choose not to blame others for my life condition. I do choose love, I do choose peace, I do choose responsibility for myself and I do choose not to allow others to determine how I feel about the world and the people in it. Namaste.

Paris November 13, 2015

As all were busy living their lives, attend quiet dinners, evenings with family or attending a rock concert, unknown forces chose to bomb, shoot and kill these unsuspecting souls. The survivors and us are left with disbelief, grief and no understanding of what happened.

As a follower of Unity and the principles with which we are taught to live by, this is unfathomable in comprehension. I was even advised by one good intentioned friend, to not be naive and know "they" are heading our way. In my Unity belief it is said "Thoughts held in mind produce like kind", so for me I shall not use or say words like get even, this is awful though at the moment it feels this way.  I choose however to shine the Light of Love as brightly as possible. To share healing words to comfort those hurting. To ease the devastating feelings one feels from the trigger event which will arise from this news.

I pray each and everyone who chooses to voice an opinion will do so with words of grace and kindness knowing it isn't an acceptance of the actions which caused such damage, but for the grace and healing power the words deliver to those in need of them.  I cannot deny that even within myself I desire justice for the wrong done.  I have to however question what exactly is justice. Does that mean an eye for an eye, a wound for a wound, a hurt for a hurt?  I think not. From my own journey to the here and now, I have found for myself, these thoughts and these feelings of justification for retaliation only create more hurt and do not heal, but rather promote only more of the same. If I want to heal the wound I cannot do so by causing more injury.  When I cut myself cooking, I do not cut it farther to make the wound better. No indeed, I tend to the wound, protect the wound and figure out how can I avoid this in the future.

I know there will be many who say this analogy is far too simple, but is it?  Where exactly do we find the answer if not in simplest of solutions?  I ask you think about the feeling you experience when someone takes the simple action of holding your hand and standing in silence.  May we today, tomorrow and forever after reach out to take the hand of a stranger without fear or expectation, rather to demonstrate our willingness to assist in the transformation from misunderstanding, fear and hate to a better understanding in the fearlessness of love and acceptance.

Namaste

Faith and Trust

Faith: Belief without evidence. When I listen to the words of others I have faith what they say is true.

Trust: Belief with evidence. When I look at the evidence of their actions which shows me if there is negative trust or positive trust. Negative trust, you never do what you say you will, so I can trust you to not live up to your words.  Positive trust, your words and actions are integrated.

With faith we step forward in a relationship and hope that what the other person is telling us is the truth about them. We can think of any relationship we have had, we meet someone and over a period of time they will give us evidence by words and actions that will help us to determine the type of trust that is built between us. Will there be NEGATIVE trust or POSITIVE trust.

What is negative trust? Negative trust is build when I tell my child over and over again I will do something with them on Saturday.  Saturday comes and I never do what I said I would do.  Each time I have a reason and each time I say I am sorry and each time I say please understand I just have a lot going on right now.  My child wants to believe and trust me; however the only evidence they have is I don’t do what I say I will do.  This evidence is the building of negative trust. It is the bases then for all other interactions between us. My child begins to understand that when I speak the words are only words.

Positive trust: I follow through on what I said, when I say I will do something I do it.  I demonstrate to my child they can trust the words I speak knowing there is integrity woven in them by the actions that follow.

This occurs in all relationships; with partners, mothers, fathers, family and friends. Let my actions demonstrate the foundation of my character everywhere I go. My destiny lies in my words and actions.

Be Kinder Than Necessary

Be kinder than necessary ", ( words to live by ) ~~ said a family member of one of the Charleston nine -- who's family member was killed inside of the church !! ~~~ May God richly bless her !!! ` These precious souls never cease to amaze me with their love, and forgiveness, and great wisdom (as posted on my friend Carolyn’s page FB).

 This posting prompted thought within me as to how this is only the tip of the iceberg for the African-American people.  African-American people have spent a life time of being kinder than necessary to people who weren’t kind to them. They have been forced to accept and live with what was forced upon them.  African’s were living their lives and happy in their home land, then white men stalked them, trapped them, brought them to the United States where they were bought and sold, beaten and raped.  Even when they married they were always at risk of being separated at the whim of a master they didn’t ask for or want. Their children were taken from them; they were forced to watch as their own were tied and beaten.

Today the African-American neighbor still struggles to be called equal to be seen as worthy, to fight for freedoms which by constitution should already be theirs. We watch daily African-American men compete and try and are still told they aren’t enough and then are called lazy and useless. I ask how many others would survive the message of hundreds of years of being told “not good enough?”

Today I stand humbly next to my African-American friends and pray for them and for myself.  I pray that all humans will one day walk in love, peace and acceptance of one another.  Love is the most powerful essence in the world. When we find a way to spread truth, love and compassion as easily as we spread hate and destruction what a different world this will be.

Mattie

Parenting or Abuse

With all the publicity the mother of the Baltimore teen that grabbed him, punched and threw him into a fence I find this an opportune time to offer another point of view.  Many people still believe hitting your child (and only your child the neighbor child is off limits), is a good from of discipline. I offer this for consideration.

Children learn from parents, not just by what the parent says, but also by what the parent does. Children learn respect based on the respect in the home.  When I correct my child do I respect them in the process?  If I yell or spank I do not show my child respect?  I do however get them to stop the behavior not because they respect me, but rather they are afraid of me.  

Punishment for inappropriate behavior still needs to respect the child.  If I were misbehaving would I want someone to hit or spank me, to yell or scream at me? NO! So why would I believe it would be okay to do the same to my child? When parenting with respect I teach my child respect. I teach them how to respond to others when others are not being respectful.  I teach them to think about their actions (what they say, what they do).  I teach them to listen to their own conscience as to what is right and wrong in order for them to choose a better path.  Children learn how to act from their parents.  If I wouldn't want something said or done to me, then why would I say or do it to my child?

Parenting with integrity requires a whole new set of ideas and options.  I have to be creative and I have to be willing to spend the time it takes to "teach" a child, not just boss them around. If this mother had been videoed hitting any child but her own, the conversation around her actions would be completely different. She would have most likely been arrested.

Treat others the way I want to be treated is a great guide-line for all of us.  I don't know where the exception came from that gives an exception if it is my own child the transgression is against. Spare the rod and spoil the child doesn't mean to hit them.  It does mean to guide them in the directions you want them to go.

Note to the media and CBS in particular:  When listening to the morning broadcast today (April 29, 2015) I was amazed at the way the news anchors encouraged her actions and even cheered her own to possible be the "mother of the year".  If this is what mother of the year looks like, I don't want to be one.

What do my thoughts produce for me?

Thoughts held in mind produce like kind (Unity).  A belief I hold to and have even proven to myself is true.  One of the reasons I try to only post positive thoughts and encouragement each day.  I only want good thoughts held in my own brain.  As I am human and still think negatively from time to time, I have learned to recognize those negative thoughts sooner and switch the path to a different topic and direction.  My conscience is my guide and living to my highest good is important to me.

It occurs to me that I and others I know or have had contact with, use the cloak of humor and satire to disguise the negative thoughts that create the negative actions.  We say unkind things about others and ourselves and write it off to “it was joke” wow, just lighten up don’t take it so serious.

Age is the one that stands out most to me today.  If I were to believe all the messages media (TV commercials, posts about getting old, and the losses associated to the process) I’m not sure I would want to get up in the morning.  My two step plan is this I am skipping over as many of these posts on my FB page as I can. If one catches my eye and I do read it (sometimes I just can’t help myself-excuse for not following my plan) my step two is to think in a positive manner of what I just read.

Example: You know you are getting old when “The little old gray haired lady you helped across the street is your wife”.

 My response:  How fortunate to have a husband that cares this much for me after all these years.

                                                                                                                       

We all need a chuckle now and again and to be honest I enjoy a few of these from time to time, I just don’t make them a daily diet.  I don’t let them linger in my mind to become my belief about me and my life. So as we post each day, let us try to keep the humor and thoughts at a higher level lest it drags us to the bottom.

Today’s thought held in mind:  I breathe in and feel the knowing of life and its infinite possibilities no matter my how long the road of my journey has been.