Long Term Effects Of Childhood Abuse

After being a victim of material abuse and working for years in this field I am drawn to books and movies which try to address this subject. Some do it well, while others simply do not come close to understanding the underlying difficulties and traps victims fall into while attempting to live their lives to the best of their abilities.

Last evening I watched a movie “Ultimate Betrayal” (Amazon movie library)based on the lives of four sisters who accuse their father of multiple charges of abuse and sexual assault. The sisters were ultimately awarded $2.3 million in compensation and the case led to a proposal for a Child Abuse Accountability Act to change statute-of-limitations rules.

This is not an easy or lighthearted matter by anyone’s standards and I felt this particular movie attempted to show the viewer how deeply a child is affected by the abuse which flows over into adulthood. In this case the four sisters face their past and take their father to court in a civil suit for damages. This abuse runs deeply into their adult lives and nearly paralyzing one from having any semblance of normalcy. The film touched on the dysfunction of their adult lives and then focused on the story of each daughter’s treatment from their father which led to the problems they are now facing. The two brothers in the family, while agreeing their father was very abusive, refused to accept that their father molested their sisters. The attorney of the daughters has their father to appear for deposition at which time he denies any wrong doing. The father, Edward J. Rodgers Jr., refused to appear in court. He admitted that he thought of himself as a "domineering s.o.b. who demanded strict responses from my children, strict obedience." But it never approached child abuse, Rodgers said. "Did I make mistakes? Damn right I did, just like any other father or mother..." He was a former F.B.I. agent who had become to be a Colorado authority on child abuse. [1]

In 1994 this story was brought to the television viewing audience. The sisters are played by: Sharon (Marlo Thomas), the oldest of the Rodgers sisters, Sharon is in denial about being abused herself. All of the sisters, including Susan (Mel Harris), Beth (Kathryn Dowling) and Mary (Ally Sheedy), have had their adult lives badly damaged by childhood experiences. Exposing the brutal truths may salvage their futures. The movie is very detailed in the description of the abuse and at times is difficult to watch.

By the end I was drained, yet left wanting to know more about this story and the adult lives of these women. My search for more information left me with only reviews of the television program 1994 and a couple newspaper articles at the time of the 1990 trial, which bring me to this writing. The reviews of the film were not favorable. Not because of the acting but because of the subject. One article which is footnoted above was a sarcastic synopsis at best. The writer chose to pass over the actual problem and focus on how the subject had been in the news far too much and that Hollywood used its typical tactics to bolster the drama to make the story bigger than it really was.

Another article stating: The impact is diminished, ironically, by graphic flashbacks using child actors. Too frequent not to seem gratuitous, the scenes contain little that can't be seen in the expressive faces of the adult leads.[2]

As you might have guessed by now, I have a much different view than either of these two writers, one being male and one a woman (which I found interesting in its own light). This case is from 1990 and the press coverage gave little to no understanding of the lives victims of child abuse endure. Far too many of these children never speak out for fear of retaliation from their abusers or the shame they carry thinking somehow what happened to them was in some way their own fault. Many grow up saying to themselves “I will never treat my children they way I was treated”. The sad truth is many victims do go on to produce more victims as this is the method that they were taught as parenting and how to deal with unruly children.

We can change this pattern of abuse. Child abuse is not to be taken lightly. The horrors we are seeing each day in our society have direct correlation to how we are raised and treated as people. There are lessons we are taught on a daily basis about who deserves, and who doesn’t. No one deserves less than another and I for one cannot stand by and say nothing when I see injustice or maltreatment of others.

I know there will be many who will see this as just more words on a page and will go on about their day or find fault in the subject agreeing with the aforementioned writers who felt the subject was sensationalized and over talked about and made bigger than it is. I also know there are more who will read this and find a way to put their own voice to use, to participate in the positive change in our world. Please don’t be someone standing on the sidelines, step up and step out for peace. When we learn peace at home we use peace throughout our daily lives. When we use peace we show others how to make peaceful choices which will ultimately change our world. Nothing happens until one person does something different. What will your difference look light today?

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[1] http://www.nytimes.com/1994/03/18/arts/tvweekend-and-still-more-about-child-abuse.html

[2] http://articles.latimes.com/1994-03-19/entertainment/ca-35907_1_ultimate-betrayal

A New Low in TV Commercials and Women

As a society we are accepting more and more of "anything goes" and justify it as funny, satirical, just a joke....lighten up.

It apparently wasn't enough for women to be sexualized in commercials, the ad agencies have found a new low.  It apparently wasn't enough to show a women at the drive-in practically making love to her sandwich, or sun bathing on a rock with legs agape to eat her fish sandwich, we now can watch men making fun of the most sacred time in any women's life, being pregnant and/or giving birth. And the product they are selling?  Razor blades...

When do we start making agencies accountable for the messages delivered to our homes on a daily basis. Okay it's TV and I can change the channel. Even doing so doesn't change the content.  One answer is to not have a television in my home. Or maybe it is time to say enough is enough. It doesn't seem to be enough that we are bombarded daily with the antics of the a particular Republican Party presidential candidate and his berating of women we additional get to sit back and watch it in social media, television, radio ads, and news commentary. I don't know about you, but for me I want young men and women to respect each other. When one in four women will experience sexual assault in her life time and one in three children will be sexually abused, we have to start sending clear messages that our bodies belong to us, that the female body is not the play ground for males, or the object of their jokes or puns or satire in the name of entertainment. 

(Since the writing of this blog, the two ads I referenced have been removed.) Following are two of the commercials currently being aired.  You choose, but for me I will be writing them and voicing my personal opinion about the distasteful use of women.

I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE ???

I read a posting today that in a nutshell says we do not have any control over who we love, the statement being “you just fall in love and you get people who are wrong for you.”  Why would I give someone else that much power over me, my life and my feelings? Really being in love requires time and evidence of actions that demonstrate actions of love.  Even though it sounds cliché, love is a verb.

First Corinthians 13:4-7 (English Standard) says: Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful. It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.  The difficulty is how we interrupt its meaning.  Love is all these things when used with integrity.  The difficulty comes when the message is taken out of context and used as a attempt to convince another if they “really love me” they would adhere to all within this passage and not question my actions or words.  When used in this manner the passage becomes abusive in nature, attempting to shame someone into submission to another’s will.

Never let anyone or any momentary feeling about another person convince you that there is no choice as to whom you choose to love and commit to.  I too have fallen more than once into the path of “I can’t help myself; I just love him so much.”  What became true for me was I was in love with the idea of being in love and fulfilling the lesson I had been taught, without a partner I was not a complete person.  OMG…. You mean I am a complete person and I can be that all on my own! 

Choosing is exactly what we get to do!  Even if we are very drawn to someone, we still have the ability and responsibility to choose and choose well. This is not to say that others can’t be very good at hiding who they really are for a very long time.  I need to watch for the little things that are in reality the big things.  We don’t ask enough questions about this new found heart throb, it feels too good and what if we ask the wrong question and they don’t want to see me again?  I don’t mean have a list ready for your first date, but I do mean ask interesting and searching questions.  Have conversations about their childhood, their parents, and friends in school. Listen when they tell you about their past relationships.  How do they speak about their last relationship?  Even if there was abuse in my last relationship, there had to be something that was good something that drew me to this person or I wouldn’t have been in the relationship.  Be mindful we all make mistakes and there is a difference in a mistake and being abusive.  People love to talk about themselves and will tell us plenty if we choose to listen and not get drawn in by all the attractions.  Just like the trailer for a new movie, the promoters know the scenes to show us to get up drawn in and just waiting for the day they movie opens. Then we show up pay for our ticket and settle in to enjoy what we have been waiting for, only to be horribly disappointed when the actual movie doesn’t measure up to the hype. Attraction to people works in much the same way.  We see what the promoter wants us to see.  We buy the ticket, we get involved too deeply, too soon and the cost is far more than a few buckets for the opportunity.  The cost becomes giving up ourselves, for living a live we never wanted.  We keep telling ourselves “I can make it better; I just have to act different, dress different, change my friends, distance myself from my family.  None of which is in line with the real honest love. There are no challenges to love; there are only challenges to behavior and our perception of circumstances in our lives.  The love doesn’t change.  Honest love is always present in our hearts.  I may not like you much today based on my feelings about something that has happened, thoughts by the way which are brought on by my own thinking, but that doesn’t change my love for you.  We all disagree with our partners from time to time and a healthy relationship knows how to settle disagreements without anger or malice.  Love is built over time with the ideals we share that are healthy and beneficial to us both. The attraction we "call love" is more often curiosity and we get so wrapped up in the "feel good" of it all at the moment and we put blinders on so as to not see the truth of the relationship because we want a relationship so badly. We want a relationship so badly because we have been conditioned to believe there must be something wrong with us if we don't have a relationship.   I still believe in love and happily ever after, and I know what my part is in making my personal happiness.  I also know Love does not hurt; Love is pure and does not have the capacity to hurt and that I deserve honest love and do not have to settle for less.

HE'LL NEVER CHANGE...Or Will He

Working with Nonviolent Alternatives has offered the opportunity for me to observe life with a different perspective.  Like AA or NA the program slogan it works if you work it, is also true for changing abusive actions and stopping the violence.  Without this fundamental belief I couldn't be an effective facilitator in a program that encourages attendees to look deeper within themselves, thinking differently about their life and the world around them. Attendees are treated with respect and taught they can and do make a difference in their own life and those of others, either positively or negatively.  When we understand we have a choice in our own life and are not the victim of our surroundings or the belief systems taught within families for generations we become empowered to take a stand and to make a change.  While not everyone will put in the effort to make the changes for themselves "many" in this program do. Here is one of those examples.

Client X, a thirty year old black male enrolled in our program in August 2015.  His history included domestic violence, substance use and multiple arrests.  Client X served three years of a six year sentence for a prior domestic charge. Client X indicated at the enrollment process a past which included guns, fights, intimidation of others to get what he wanted. This client also indicated he would like to turn his life around and was tired of being in trouble and didn't want to go back to jail. Client X was told with an open mind and heart and willingness to do the work to change his life he would get the tools he needed by showing up every week, paying attention and applying what he learned to his life, not just in close relationships with girlfriends etc, but to all facets of his life.

Each week Client X sits in the middle of the class, participates and is able to express what he is taking away from the lesson during the go-around at the end of class.  Last night was no exception. Client X also shared what had happened to him that morning when going to his place of business.

In his words: "I showed up at work and there was these two guys, one with a gun and told me to give him my money. I told him no problem, I will give you what you want I don't want no trouble." At the same time another employee ran across the street and called the police.  The partner of the gun-man yelled, come on the cops are on the way, and they ran off.  "If it wasn't for what I been learning here, I would be doing what I always did, I would'a acted a fool and got right in the middle of it and doing stuff to get me right back in trouble". I gotta tell ya it feels pretty good to be sitting here and knowing I ain't going to jail again." I know I can do better and I want better." 

This blog is written with the permission of Client X.

(Disclaimer: The first responsibility of Nonviolent Alternatives is to the families/victims of the program attendees and in no way should the assumption be made "he is cured".  Each person must make their choice in every situation to choose to act with integrity.

We strongly encourage you to contact the domestic violence hotline at 1-800-322-7385 and get connected to a local advocate to help you develop a safety plan. Please do not accept your partner's reasons/excuses/justifications for their abusive actions.)

Face Book posting: Men who hit women are scrum

My history of living in an abusive relationship and experience of sixteen years working with batterers and my Unity principals, tell me a different story. Many of the men I have worked with grew up in homes where they were taught how to behave this way. They were victims of abuse as children. They lived in homes where they were taken to churches that told them they were the boss and women and children were subservient to males. Domestic violence has a very long history in the world.

Please don't misunderstand, what they did and/or do was and is wrong. Calling them names or beating them up will not undo the harm they have done. Nor will it change the future for other women and children. This is where we really can make a change. Abuse isn't just hitting someone, it is the way we talk to and treat each other. How many of us have given an evil eye warning to one of our children to get them to stop what they were doing? (Intimidation).  How many have spanked their child and called it discipline? (Fear), no lesson is taught in hitting a child except to fear adults. When we discipline in love with a clear lesson children learn how to become compassionate, loving adults. They learn not to speak with abuse or act with abuse because it is wrong to do so.

People who abuse other people have learned a thinking pattern that gives themselves excuses and reasons why this time using abuse is the right thing and even the only thing to do.  This time it is okay to treat someone differently than I want to be treated because...  

When we use these excuses we are pushing down that voice inside that knows it isn't okay. We relieve our "guilt" by explaining it away.  We push the responsibility of our behavior on to another.  "If you hadn't said that or done this I wouldn't have to do the things I do".  At Nonviolent Alternatives, this is called "blame shifting" Shifting the responsibility for my words and actions to another.  By doing so, it becomes easy for me to see myself as a victim, convincing myself I had no other choice, they made me do it. We have been conditioned to see the level of abuse which reaches a level that breaks the law, that isn't where it starts. There is probably long-term abuse which has reached the level where law enforcement is now interceding.

Abuse is abuse no matter if it reaches the legal definition or not and can go on for many years and never reach the level that law enforcement becomes involved. This is the abuse that is carried from one generation to the next. I have watched people look at children and say things like "those kids have no respect" if I live in a home where respect isn't taught then where do I learn to be respectful?  As we go through this holiday season may we rethink our values and those we want our children to have.  Be the shining light of example in a child's life.  Each child deserves at least one healthy parent, let that parent be you.

Blessings and happy holidays to all.

Fear Mongering

Stop following the rhetoric of the fear mongers. Fear is exactly how people become controlled. Intimidation by a bully. Our current condition of the world is not a border problem, this is a bully problem. Sitting behind a microphone on a TV or radio talk show spouting fear and hatred toward a person or group of people isn't the way to alignment and peace.

Any time we don't know about something, we fear its existence, we blame that for our situation in life. We make that the reason for all our problems. I have watched posts that have woven the Paris attacks in the continuous degrading and belittling of President Obama in to the mix of reasons for blaming him for all the ills in the world and our personal lives. Statement of finding hate and killing message in the Qumran. How many statements of violence exist in the Bible? (see Violence In the Bible NPR)

Which each attack on any portion of humanity, we become more and more fearful of what we don't know.  I suggest we stop being lead around by the loudest voice and investigate the source of the fear and the agenda behind it.  Why is it is so important for us to find fault in others? How does this help me to grow as human being with a heart and mind of my own. When I follow for the sake of following I have no idea where I might be lead to.  When I choose my own path, my journey, seek my own knowledge I find a greater understanding and a desire to do no harm.

When I  am look inward I question the fears and explore the basis of my own belief system. What is the truth I find?  I find I choose not to live in fear, I choose not to hate, I choose not to blame others for my life condition. I do choose love, I do choose peace, I do choose responsibility for myself and I do choose not to allow others to determine how I feel about the world and the people in it. Namaste.

Paris November 13, 2015

As all were busy living their lives, attend quiet dinners, evenings with family or attending a rock concert, unknown forces chose to bomb, shoot and kill these unsuspecting souls. The survivors and us are left with disbelief, grief and no understanding of what happened.

As a follower of Unity and the principles with which we are taught to live by, this is unfathomable in comprehension. I was even advised by one good intentioned friend, to not be naive and know "they" are heading our way. In my Unity belief it is said "Thoughts held in mind produce like kind", so for me I shall not use or say words like get even, this is awful though at the moment it feels this way.  I choose however to shine the Light of Love as brightly as possible. To share healing words to comfort those hurting. To ease the devastating feelings one feels from the trigger event which will arise from this news.

I pray each and everyone who chooses to voice an opinion will do so with words of grace and kindness knowing it isn't an acceptance of the actions which caused such damage, but for the grace and healing power the words deliver to those in need of them.  I cannot deny that even within myself I desire justice for the wrong done.  I have to however question what exactly is justice. Does that mean an eye for an eye, a wound for a wound, a hurt for a hurt?  I think not. From my own journey to the here and now, I have found for myself, these thoughts and these feelings of justification for retaliation only create more hurt and do not heal, but rather promote only more of the same. If I want to heal the wound I cannot do so by causing more injury.  When I cut myself cooking, I do not cut it farther to make the wound better. No indeed, I tend to the wound, protect the wound and figure out how can I avoid this in the future.

I know there will be many who say this analogy is far too simple, but is it?  Where exactly do we find the answer if not in simplest of solutions?  I ask you think about the feeling you experience when someone takes the simple action of holding your hand and standing in silence.  May we today, tomorrow and forever after reach out to take the hand of a stranger without fear or expectation, rather to demonstrate our willingness to assist in the transformation from misunderstanding, fear and hate to a better understanding in the fearlessness of love and acceptance.

Namaste