That Special Day Called Valentine

He arrives at the door after work, inhand the flowers he bought on his way home. He thinks of the night before, and can't remember what came over him. But he knows the flowers will set it all right again, they always do.

As the door opens, she waits on the other side, her breath held, waiting to see his mood before speaking. There was a fight last night, and he believes it was all smoothed over.  For her, it was another night of guessing, fancy footwork to dodge the emotions of the man she believed she loved. Tonight, the door opens to a smile and "how's my best girl?" After all, it's Valentine's Day, and he wanted to surprise her.

This scene will be played out over and over as husbands and wives spend the evening together. For some, it will be fancy dinners, late movies, dancing, romance, the works. Others enjoy the comfort of home to celebrate their love quietly without fanfare, just knowing all is well, and love exists.

For victims of domestic violence, flowers can be a trigger. Flowers can bring memories of past Valentins filled with fear and forboding. Waiting for the moment when the look in his eye changes, when the flashing smile becomes his tight lips with clenched teeth. Flowers don't always carry the delights of romance and compassion. For some, flowers put a knot in her stomach, a warning in her brain, a fear in her heart.

One in four women and one in seven men will be victims of domestic violence in their lifetime. Flowers won't comfort, and lovely words may be the prelude to a night of accusations and arguments. Together we can change lives, promote equality, and provide safe spaces and a future without violence. Together, we can create a world where domestic violence isn't acceptable and is not tolerated. Won't you join me in building the new world? Contact your local shelter to see what you can do.  We all deserve to be safe.

Week End Observations

What an interesting weekend it was. The sitting president stepped aside and stated he wouldn’t run for another term, and we welcomed a new age for our government when he endorsed a black woman to run.  I will be backing VP Harris in her bid for the highest office in the land.  I feel it is the time and place for women to stand and for our voices to unite in a common goal of saving our democracy and assuring women have true equal rights.  Looking at the other side of the aisle and thinking, those people do not represent me or my beliefs. For some, this will cause friends to leave, families to argue and leave riffs in the family unit.  Not for me, you can believe what you believe and live how you see fit for you.

As beliefs go, mine are simple and straightforward spiritual beliefs. I believe in a higher power. Love is the answer and in the end that is all there is, love each other, hold space for someone who has a different view than I do.  The Golden Rule and the phrase, “First do no harm” live in my heart. I share this because I spent part of my weekend watching Hulu and their documentaries on mega-churches and the variety of cults that have passed through and are still alive and well in many places.

I was watching one such program “The Secrets of Hillsong”, a mega-church started in Australia and then brought to New York City.  I’m not going to degrade or disparage any other person’s beliefs or the way they practice their beliefs.  I will say for me, this isn’t a church it appears to be a rock concert.  I share because I found myself asking this question, when did the worship of God become a three-ring circle?  As it turns out there is quite a scandal around that church.  (You can watch the show to get the scoop).  I remember going to Sunday school as a child. It was peaceful, we sang, our minister shared The Word, and sometimes we would share a Sunday meal. Some people, simply meet in a location, sit quietly, and allow the peace and grace of their God to wash over them. No other words or a person leading them, telling them how they should feel or act, only quiet communal with like-minded people. In the end, we must all choose what fills our souls and brings us peace and comfort.  Some have no religion, no God, and no higher power beyond themselves.   As for me, I’ll pass on the Rock-Star preacher and sit in tranquility with my maker.

You're The Man Now

Watching television and finding a patterner that shows up in families regardless of ethnicity, or religion. After the death of a father figure, someone turns to the oldest boy child and says, "You're the man of the house now. You have to step up."  Young girls are asked to take on extra responsibilities to help the mother get through the day. Stop doing that. They are still children and have enough to be responsible for. They just lost a parent, processing that fact, and worrying about what happens now is enough. 

My father passed away when I was fifteen, and I assure you, processing that, adjusting to a new normal that I had no choice in making was a heavy enough load. My family was changed, and learning to find my place again was all I could handle. My mother was lost; she relied on my father for nearly everything. She was now the primary parent and wasn’t prepared for that role. I had older stepbrothers; however, they didn't live in our home, so I took on responsibilities I was not prepared for, nor did I have enough knowledge about. My younger sister, by only two years, didn't adjust well to me telling her what to do. She became rebellious and, at times, refused to listen to me at all.

Boys came into my life around this time. Again, an experience I was not prepared for. I soon was involved with a boy four years older than me. He became my world. We met in October, and by late April of the next year, I was pregnant, and by June, I was married. Again, another responsibility I was not prepared for. I was now a teen mother and married at age sixteen.

As I look back at that time of my life, a helpful alternative from an adult might have been, "I know you are probably scared and wondering what happens now, knowing your lives will be different, and it's okay to feel scared. We will have to make adjustments, and we can work together to get things done. It's okay to feel sad and cry. Always know you can talk to me and I will do my best to help you."   As parents, too often we think we are supposed to have all the answers. No one has all the answers; it's okay to say to a child, I am a little scared too and sad, but we can get through this. Placing no responsibility, other than those they are already experiencing. Children do not step up to be an adult or have the answers. The loss of a parent does not give them power or knowledge beyond what they already had.

Along with my own experience and working as a LAC (Licensed Addiction Counselor) and behavioral change facilitator for domestic violence perpetrator classes and victims' assistants, I saw firsthand the pressures we place on our children. We fight in front of them or send them to their rooms to listen in the dark to the scary sounds downstairs. We place adult responsibilities on their shoulders; those shoulders aren't built to carry that load.

Regardless of how difficult it may seem for us, the adults, we must bear the responsibility, look for the answers, and let the children be children.

REFLECTION

We often think of this word as searching for healing.  I personally practice reflection every day.  While looking at myself, I strive to be the best I can be. I have learned when I journal, I am able to put on paper what I can’t express otherwise.  At times I save the writing and others are ripped up and tossed. The exercise of putting thoughts down in black and white, and discarding brings clarification and relief for me.

This week my social media feed has had several postings from those in obvious pain. Their words indicate clearly that they are hurting.  One of the best lessons in my twenty-plus years as an addiction counselor, a batterer’s invention specialist, and providing services for victims of domestic violence, there is a common theme “Hurt People; Hurt People”.  When our own pain becomes too much to face, too overpowering to deal with, we do and say things we don’t mean. We lash out, we point fingers, we become defensive, and we hurt the very people we love the most. Unfortunately, when experiencing our own pain, we no longer have the perspective of reality.  We shut down; we no longer hear others, so we can not accept their message of care or reason.  It's my experience, when I write, the message is found by the people who need it most, including myself.

As the AA Big Book points out; Acceptance is the answer to “ALL” of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation- some fact of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept my life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. Alcohol can be substituted with almost any extreme action. We become “addicted” to many things and use them as crutches to navigate life. Truth is the only answer.

My truth, my affirmation for today:

I sit in my silence, I breathe in and breathe out, I close my eyes and relax to listen to that voice that is always inside of me, beseeching me to listen, not speak, listen, not let random thoughts confuse me or overpower me. In the silence, the truth can be found. In the silence, I become more open to reality and to acceptance.  My wish for all is the gift of acceptance and peace...

Namaste

I AM ME

I AM ME

I am not them or they, I am me

Standing two feet on the ground

Simply wanting to be free

Free to walk down the street without fear

Free to say what I want loud and clear

Free to do what I please

Even taking a knee

Free to be the person I was born to be

No matter how I look on the outside

My true Spirit lives on the inside

I am not a he or a she I am me

You can’t keep me down

For I will stand my ground

I will unite in the streets

I will speak what I speak

My brothers and sisters will unite with me

For you see we are not He or She

We are all born just to be 

I  AM ME...

Division Of Our Country

I was watching a video clip and the speaker made the statement, " Our country is more divided now than it has ever been".  Really?  I concede the country is divided and we have much to mend and heal. The racial divide, gender, sexual orientation, pro-choice, left or right, Christian or not, religion in school the list goes on and on. Yet this still does not reach the level of the aforementioned statement.

Let's talk about the most divided time in our nation's history.  A mere 154 years ago, April 9, 1865, was the end of the Civil War. A war fought within our borders. A battle that took 750,000 lives, that's roughly 504 deaths a day. A clear and a greatly debated subject of who and who was not equal as human beings. The need to support a lifestyle that far too many had grown comfortable with, the idea that color divided and defined who was and who was not worthy.  Not just worthy of possessions and wealth, but of being treated with respect and dignity, to be called "human".  At that time men, women and children deemed slaves were mere property, and their treatment no better than the animals that served their owner. Oft times treatment wasn't a good as that of animals.  Step out of line, not knowing your place could bring punishment of such cruelty it defies comprehension.  Families were separated, people sold and traded like goods to be had.  Their difference measured yet further based on the depth of their skin pigmentation.  The darker their skin the less value they held.

We have the opportunity before us to decide which side of history shall we stand on. In another hundred and fifty-four years, when this time and place is discussed will people speak kindly of the condition of the human race, will the memory of you be one of those who stood and maintained the integrity by standing with the marginalized of today and walking with them in the journey of equality, of justice and of common decency. Will you be remembered as that person who held to their own moral convictions even if it meant standing alone or at least felt like you were. Every day we are watching as people of families are being pulled apart, sanctioned for their desire to live a better life, to seek refuge from tyranny, wanting only to be free and live as every human has the right to.

And while it may feel like "our country is more divided now than it has ever been"  now is the chance to speak up, speak out, march, write the countries leaders, vote for people of good conscience and moral character and assure we do not reach that level of injustice ever again.  Help to give what every human deserves, the right to be treated as a human, live with family and support their family unit.  Be the friend you would want to have, be the neighbor that is dependable, be the light at the end of a very long tunnel and most of all express love and compassion to all you meet. May the darkness that overshadows our nation at this time be released and our light of inclusiveness shine brightly.

Love is always the answer... Namaste

Poem The Master's Plan

The Master’s Plan
The stars, the moon, the sky high above
Were all made from a gentle hand of love
The rivers, the streams where gentle ripples flow
Reflection of the evening’s sun all aglow
The fields and the grasses, the wildflowers grow
We've only to listen, and we will know
Arise in the morning to the birds while they sing
Their voices in tune with spring's gentle rain
A man and a woman were placed here, too
The long-ago beginnings of me and of you
Made in the image, but what does that mean
How do you see what’s never been seen
The heart knows the answer; it’s as simple as can be
Breathe in the Spirit and then share it with me
I Am that I Am the breeze gently whispers
It doesn't matter if I’m a miss or a mister
God knows our hearts, and that’s all that matters
Don’t get wrapped up in all of the chatter
With arms wide open and love in our hearts
That’s where real change finds its start.
Mattie Herald ©

Sacrifice - After all I have done for you...

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1. Recently I heard a parent say about her child, "she doesn't know all I have sacrificed for her.
   
2. The dictionary defines sacrifice this way:  noun:  An act of slaughtering an animal or person or surrendering a possession as an offering to God or to a divine or supernatural figure, as a verb: Offer to kill as a religious sacrifice.

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1. I have to ask myself, did this mother really offer a "sacrifice" in the name of her daughter? My best guess is no. Yet I have heard people make statements like this one many times when it comes to their children. I don't see providing for and raising children as any type of sacrifice. Any and all we do for our children should be done so in respect, nourishing and an understanding that when bringing a child into the world accepting the fact that I now must care for this tiny human until they are no longer under my care and/or can care for themselves. When they become adults they still need our care and love. We need to be a sounding board, a safe place to bring questions and concerns. And although we may see a situation that needs our advice, we must allow them to live their lives as they see fit. One of the hardest rules to follow, keeping my nose out of my adult child's business unless they ask. There are a couple acceptions to the rule, domestic violence, and child abuse, and we need to educate ourselves in these areas in order to give the best advice. Even then we have to allow our child to make their own choices. When they continue making painful choices, it breaks our hearts, and all we can do it offer our knowledge and support until they are ready to make a change.

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1. As a parent my life changes, my priorities and needs for myself may have to change in exchange for the needs of my child. This isn't a sacrifice, this is being a responsible and loving parent. I make these changes willingly and without feelings of loss. The only feeling and action is the unconditional love for my children.  This doesn't mean I approve of all their choices and the way they may have chosen to live. It simply means I stay in my space and assure them I am always available and love them. Being a parent isn't easy at times nor rewarding for that matter, however, we do what is expected and do so willingly and lovingly to best of our ability.  Telling a child, " you don't know the sacrifices I made so you could have", is shaming to the child, causing them to question and debt themselves and their worthiness. In order to raise confident and able humans, we first must recognize being a parent is never a sacrifice, but a privilege and honor.

We Make Our Own Chaos

 I recently had someone tell me how they felt like their life is overwhelming. I know we all feel this way from time to time. When I get there I step back to take a look at what is going on and make the needed adjustments to correct the situation. So I did that for this person.  I watched for just one day and could see very clearly they were making their own chaos...

In this place of confusion, we are very overwhelmed and exhausted. I mentally made a checklist of all the things this person was telling me about their life and how out of control they felted from it all. Standing "outside" their life it was easy to see why this person was experiencing these feelings and emotions. I tried to extend some suggestions of change, however, the response was "you just don't understand, my life is just crazy right now".  This person also told me that someone else told them their priorities were wrong.

The truth is I do understand, once we are in the middle of this emotional hurricane existence, it becomes very difficult to see and make the needed adjustments.  What their friend was trying to say in the statement about priorities was really saying take a look at your life and hit the reset button. When we live in chaos we experience extreme emotions and when others try to assist us, we can perceive this to be them meddling in our life, which is exactly what my friend thought was going on. When someone suggests we take a look at our priorities, it doesn't say I am wrong, it only says I am not seeing things clearly because I have allowed the external life to take over my internal feelings and emotions. When this happens "I can only see the chaos and forget I still can take control".

How we view our world is the world we build for ourselves. Next time you feel like the world is spinning around you, your life is out of control, step back take a look, prioritize and resume.  It is the act of getting my emotions intact that allows me to once more take control of my life. It doesn't mean the events of my daily living aren't important or even wrong, it is how they affect my behavior and feelings that I need to change.  We all have those parts of our lives that we sometimes just wish they didn't exist, but they do and we have to deal with them, we simply do not have to allow them to hijack our lives and take control of us.

So let us all step back, take a took, hit the restart button and start over any time we need to as many time a day that we might need to...

Wishing you all peace and less chaos,
Namaste...

Preparing For The Future

I was watching a video as a couple who had just met were answering questions for each other about themselves.  The young lady had found the questions on the internet, printed them out prior to their meeting, suggesting it might be an icebreaker. The young man was willing to participate. Some of the questions were minorly superficial, while others were more of a deeper inquiry. One question, in particular, caught my attention. The question was "If you had a crystal ball which could answer any question what would you want the know?"

The young man answered, "I'd like to know how long it would be before I died, you know so you could look ahead and plan to live your life." 

How many of us walk through our day unaware of people, places and things around us;  unaware of the way we interact with family, friends, or strangers. How many of us aren't paying attention?  We say things like when I get a better job, when a get more time, more money, more... then I will...

How different would our lives be if we examined today, thought about living an authentic life today? What does it mean to live authenticly? It means showing up, looking today in the eye and standing your ground. Too often we stand back and let today and too many opportunities pass us by. We give ourselves all sorts of reasons why and giving justifications for not stepping forward. At the end of the day, we reflect on what might have been and lament on the losses. If only I had said hello to the cute guy in the store if only I had given my opinion on a new way to get that big project done at the office. If only I had told my family how much I loved them and how much they mean to me.

We don't need an expiration date from a crystal ball to live the life we want, we only have to step up today.  If we want more, if we have opinions we need to speak our minds and reach for more. We stand in the shadows in fear. We fear what others will think or say, we stand in fear of rejections, or not being good enough. The truth is we are good enough, we do have value, we have the skills and ability to live right now if we only step forward and live the way we want to live.  This doesn't mean we won't have disappointments, we will, however, the disappointments are a part of living fully. The rewards far outway the potential of failures.

So reach out, take a chance, go for the brass ring, because, in reality, the future is right now, we all have an expiration date.  Blessings to all and here's to living an authentic life! 

You Keep Buying Corn Flakes

For today I see conflict as growth, disagreement as learning. Today I affirm my strength in my faith that love is the answer and hope is the light which will lead me to a higher plain. I reach out and extend a hand to those in pain and need. Today I shall speak a message of good no matter what others may say or do. When one light shines in the night it draws more light and the darkness is cleared away and I can once more see. We must remember to keep walking towards the edge of the light, with each new step more light is there.

There have been moments in my life when I wasn't sure if I could continue. I can recall standing in the shower tears in my eyes and wishing it would all just go away.  All the pain, all the turmoil, all the uncertainty.  My faith was weak, I didn't feel loved, and love seemed a distant island in the abyss of nowhere. I was sure no one cared and if there was a God why was I so miserable?

Those days those thoughts are far and away in the shadowy mist of remembrance. I think about them from time to time and wonder how I ever got that low.  What I didn't realize at the time was there were many who loved and cared about me, I just couldn't see them for living in this veil of self-pity and despair. There were very real problems in my life, but instead of seeking help and understand there is nothing we can't overcome when we set our minds to it, I continued to live in that dark unhealthy place.

After years of self-defeat and blaming others for my life circumstances,  I met someone who became a friend, and confidant who was smart enough and bold enough to say to me, "stop buying corn flakes"...

Being very puzzled by his statement I asked him, "exactly what do you mean?"  His response was this:  It's like walking down the aisle in the grocery, your really tired of corn flacks every morning and you've written on your list to change the cereal. Find something different, something more to your liking. When you get to the cereal aisle you're prepared to find a new cereal, a cereal really different, but you're walking and walking, and you see this eye-catching new colorful box standing on the self in front of you. The packaging looks great and without paying attention to the contents, you put the brightly colored box in your cart and off you go. You're home now, you put your purchases away, and the next morning you are all prepared for this new treat. You're even thinking, oh I didn't even look to see what the cereal was, oh well anything will be better than corn flakes. You reach into the cabinet, pull the box off the self, you put your bowl on the table, get the milk out of the refrigerator, you are so excited for that first taste of something new.  As you begin to pour the contents into the bowl the reality hits you.  It's just cornflakes again, the box looked new, and you didn't look to see what the cereal was, and in your haste, for new and better you didn't do enough looking or paying attention to the contents. As you sit there, disappointment sets in and as you dip your spoon in the bowl you think to yourself, oh well this will have to do, corn flakes are better than nothing." 

This simple analogy was a shock to my system as he spoke to me, he was able to get me to see more in the brief moment than all the searching I had done heretofore, looking for the answer out there in the unknown and in someone else, when it was right in front of me all the time. Only I could change my outcomes, only I had the power to improve my circumstances, only I could make me happy, only I could stop buying "corn flakes"!

How many of us have to spend a lifetime buying corn flakes wishing they were rice crispies? When we take control of our lives, stop accepting the same answers over and over again expecting a different outcome, which is the definition of insanity, we will find that which sustains us.  When we turn inwardly and see ourselves and the possibilities that live within us, we can begin to see the world around us differently.  We can find better solutions and answers that will take us in a completely different direction. When we look inside we can see the love that lives there, this love is the love that really matters the most.  When I love myself my world changes. Those things I desire are waiting out there for me, and with a different sense of self-worth, I stop accepting what I don't want.

Blessings to all this day, enjoy some rice crispies, you deserve them.

Affirmations, Intentions, Actions

My affirmation:  I hold the world in positive energy. I step back, breathe deeply and know that I am a Spiritual Being capable of unconditional love. I stop and change my vibration from negative to positive. I can hold others in healing light and love even when we do not agree. I resolve this conflict within myself by understanding my path and theirs are not in unison at this time. I lift prayers for the common good, loving light for the world I see. I breathe in acceptance and breathe out conflict. I breathe in joy and release sadness. I am encouraged to speak truth and love in all my affairs this day. I envision a world of acceptance of one another and do my part to bring that vision to reality.

I was recently told, "you can't change the world so why do you try"? My wholehearted response is because I believe I can, I believe we all can. The butterfly effect is always working.  When I treat someone with kindness, I have made a difference.  At the end of the day all those small seemingly unnoticed actions count. In reality, no action goes unnoticed, even if I am the only person who is aware of the action. Each step I take, each hello, each smile, each kindness counts for something.

No matter how difficult things might seem at the moment there is always hope and faith. When we stand in love and peace we stand in the change we want to see in our world. Too many times we talk about others actions while we are the perpetrator of the same action. There is one great example of this going on all over the world.  Like his politics or not, the current president can say words of hate or insensitivity, and immediately he is taken to task. I recall most clearly his words against a reporter with physical challenges, those condemning his actions and words used the same type of actions and words to condemn him. While I do not agree with his treatment of people around him, I do not have to belittle him to express my dislike for those actions.  I can in contrast state, I am not in favor of the actions taking by the president. I set the example of disagreement without degrading or belittling. What happens instead is we justify our own bad behavior. By doing so we take the focus off ourselves and lay it solely on the object of our discontent.

How many of us have the same type of actions within the dealings of our families? We give intimidating looks to our children, our partners, the neighbors, the young person behind the counter. We talk about people behind their backs believing what they can't hear me say is okay to say.  I've had participants in behavioral change classes ask me "if they can't hear you then what is the harm"? The harm is to both them and myself.  I have acted against my own conscience and given my integrity away. You see I know I said the words, I know I was unkind, I know better and need to do better even when no one is looking or listening.  It is easy to do the right thing when others eyes and ears are on us, but doing the right thing with no one to witness is important. Doing the right thing then is what builds my character and gives me the strength to act with integrity in all my actions and words. It is the behavior we practice in times of ease that we can call upon in times of trial.

So today I continue my affirmation of peace and practice being the best person I can be. Every day gives me one more chance at being the change I wish to see.

Standing In My Power

This word "power" conjures up many thoughts, ideas, and meanings. Each is relevant to the moment. We say things like "if I had the power", "he/she is power hungry", "they have all the power".  Each of those thoughts is a negative conduit to having and being less powerful.

If I had the power, I would change the world!  Guess what, you do have the power to change the world.  Each of us has this power, unfortunately too many of us are afraid of it.  We stand back and watch others exercising power and shrink where we stand too afraid to try for fear we will not be accepted, or succeed in our efforts. We only fail by not trying at all.  Every word, every motion or lack of either, makes a change in the world.

He/She is so power hungry! When we look at those with "the hunger" for power, our training in the way we think may cause us to make the hunger for power a negative quality.  What if my "hunger for power" were used in a positive manner?  What if within my power hunger the desire was to show others their possibilities of power for themselves? Being hungry for one's own truth is that hunger for power and the hunger to achieve it can be exhilarating and freeing.

They have all the power! Why would I relinquish my own power so easily? This statement immediately removes me from a position of power and places the power in another's hands. When we hide our light, our power, under a bushel and turn away from trying, again we give our power away. When I wonder what other people will think about my choices, about how I see the world, about how I lead my life, walk through my day, I am giving them more power.

Today I choose to stand in the center of my truth and breathe in my power.  I choose not to be afraid of the unknown, to not fear the what if's.  Today I claim my power, today I use my power for good, today I breathe in my power and breathe out love and kindness to help others sustain their power.  When we walk in love and the willingness to allow others to see that love and demonstrate that love even in times of adversity and doubt we are owning the power.  They no longer have the power when the power lives and breathes within me.

I challenge you to seek your power today. Find that which speaks to your heart and share it with the greatest of courage. Reach out to those around you or across the world and let the power of your light be a beacon of hope, a light shining the way, an example of possibility, the truest meaning of power.

Healthy Relationships

We hear it all the time, and we want it for ourselves, this wonderful allusive life of a happily ever after. Otherwise known as a healthy relationship.  Before we get to the healthy part let's  look at relationships in general. There are three types of relationships, Compulsive, Healthy and Apathetic.

Compulsive
Intensity without substance. Sometimes called the "big bang theory" Mr. and Mrs. Perfect meet and bang go the emotions, the brain shuts off, we get involved in a relationship that probably won’t work. We love all the excitement and how wonderful the relationship makes us feel.  It isn't the relationship that is good, it is the excitement that feels good. The relationship takes back seat and focus is placed on the feeling.  The excitement keeps us going while the world around us is falling apart.  The very thought of the other person can make our head spin and our heart pound. These reactions are all based on the feeling of the moment, and not the substance to sustain a relationship. I'm not saying we shouldn't be excited, but it shouldn't be the most important part of the relationship.

When the relationship takes a nose dive and it will, we either literally fight our way through or walk away while telling ourselves and anyone who will listen, how we knew it wasn't going to work and that we didn't love them anyway. We are in a daze left wondering what the hell happened, why did this person change so much?  The fact is they didn't change, nor did we, each of us went back to being who we really are to start with.  We stopped trying to impress, thinking we got what we wanted and there is no more need in "being on our best behavior". After all, they got into this relationship with me. Too many times when we first meet someone we "put our best foot forward", why you ask, that's easy, trying to impress them, trying to get them to like us. "If I can get them to just like me then the change in me is worth it." The difficulty is, I can only be someone I'm not for a limited amount of time.  We not only make ourselves miserable but those around us miserable as well. So we cut our losses and try the next relationship without doing anything to look within ourselves to see why our relationships keep falling apart.

Apathetic
Both partners seek to avoid pain. The couple tries to get along with minimal involvement, not wanting to rock the boat.  Not wanting to have to participate in understanding the other, or supporting the other.  We are able to trick ourselves into believing we have a relationship so we must be "normal, like other couples".  We live an existence, not a life. We seek only to remain as conflict-free as possible, with no desire to grow closer or stronger together.

It is amazing to me how people in this category ever get together at all. Think of the effort one must put forth to live in the same space and yet not disturb their lives or the life of the other person. The daily existence sounds exhausting. Lives that are very regimented and mundane which doesn't lead to a happy ever after either. 

Healthy
Find middle ground
Contains mutual respect
Normal ups and downs
Moments of closeness and separateness
Built on honesty and trust that other will do what is best for the couple
Happiness is the median

Both partners are invested in getting to know the other person.  Willing to explore the possibilities and negotiate their needs and wants so the relationship is equitable. There is a willingness to understand to allow give and take so there is as little disparity as possible.  Each person respects the other's needs and considers them when making choices. While happiness is the mutual state of affairs, we will have ups and downs and will find healthy ways to work through them. We maintain the understanding, your mood doesn't have to dictate my mood and vise-versa. I can maintain empathy with other without having to be in the same emotional state. Healthy relationships understand and practice this.

Healthy relationships don't keep score nor do they have room for bringing up the past to hurt the other while in dispute of a topic.  There is honest communication and openness which contains space for both views.  Intimacy is more than sex. Intimacy considers the other.  We may have intimacy with sex but we also may have sex without intimacy, it's called a one night stand or friends with benefits. The intimacy in healthy relationships is an understanding we have a safe place to fall, a place where our fears, worries, past experiences may be shared without out fear of retaliation due to the knowledge of the other's deepest thoughts, deeds, fears, and past.

As we move forward, let us consider what it is we want for ourselves and those we bring into our lives. If we want good healthy relationships we have to let go of the way we use to be in relationships. As with any recovery program, we first must identify the problem, correct the way we do things and work to not go back to old habits, remembering we can't get good at someone we don't practice.

Healthy relationships contain communication, caring, and commitment. Too often we confuse caring with curiosity. We think we care when what we really want, is to know the other person better. Communication is key, how can I possibly get to know anyone without communicating. If we aren't talking we aren't communicating. If we aren't communicating we aren't learning, if we aren't learning, we aren't growing. When we talk to people long enough, they will tell us a lot about themselves, we need to listen with an open mind, and not be focused on the "awesome sex, great looks, charm, whatever it is that attracted us to them to start with. 

Caring comes once we have spent time and gotten to know this person and they know us, we can then move on to commitment or we may choose to simply move on after finding the glue to hold us together doesn't exist. Commitment comes in pieces, yes I will date you, yes I will have sex with you, yes I will move in with you, yes I will buy a house with you, yes I will marry you. We don't lose who we are in this process, in fact, we should grow stronger. We protect ourselves while allowing other to get close to us.

Good luck and wishing all a healthy future.

Taking The Risk To Love

I read a quote by Erica Jong, a portion of it is “Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.”

I can only get back what I am willing to risk. That makes us vulnerable and that scares the hell out of us. So we tend to hold back instead of living wholeheartedly. The fear of being hurt for so many, is too risky, we tried it once or twice and got hurt. Now we dangle our toes in the tepid pool of existing unwilling to jump in with both feet and allow the love that lives in the center of it all to wash over us and surround us in the warm pleasure and security that only love brings. We dance around the edge of the pool watching others who seem to have great love and harbor feelings of jealousy and discontent asking ourselves "why can’t I have that?" The simply answer is "because I am not willing to take the risk".

Instead we live in that "what if" state of mind. We think of all the things that could go wrong blocking any opportunity from true love to get in and things to go right. We’ve been there and gotten hurt there and are unwilling to go there again.  Well I can’t have what I am not willing to open up to. But what if I get hurt again, you say?  Then you get hurt is the answer. We even sabotage our possibilities of having love. We thought we had it once, only to find out it was a façade of the true existence of love. So we stand back and watch the world around us continue to flow, one day into another, one more year of living in fear so afraid to step up and claim what is ours to have for the asking. We may even have had a taste of it and convinced ourselves we didn’t deserve it, “good things are never mine for long, and I’m out of this before someone else has the change to hurt me again”. Love in of itself does not hurt.  Love is gentle and kind it is the ego-human side of us that causes the pain. We make mistakes, we choose wrong, we make more mistakes and say to ourselves, see I knew it wouldn’t work, and I knew I would only end up getting hurt again.

The hurt will heal, the pain will subside, we will recuperate and live another day. Let us take lessons from the mistakes. Let those wounds of past loves show us the way to new loves. Allow ourselves to live fully, wholeheartedly and with great passion. For in the end love is really all there is, the rest we make up out of the fear of living and failing.

This is the season we remind ourselves, to love, to give, to make an effort. Push the fears aside, take the risk, we get one life and it is so worth the living…

The Power of Hate

How many times have I said, "oh I just hate that",  far too many is how many. Take a moment think of something you have said this to or about, close your eyes, now pay attention to your body as you say it out loud again. Feel the way your body reacted, your breathing, the posture of your body.  Hate has a huge impact on us not just emotionally, but physically as well. Why would I allow anything to have this much power over me?  When I hate something it consumes my thinking. I can push it aside for a moment then someone will mention that which is the object of my discomfort and I'm off again thinking and focusing on that which has become my master and made me the slave.

I remember two people in my life I swore I hated with everything in me. Yes they lived in my head all the time.  I would decide to do something and then think, what would "he" think about this and how would "he" react to my choice, my decision? I spent so much time focused on what "he" would think, even though neither of them were in my life any longer, that I became somewhat emotionally paralyzed incapable of making decisions for the worry of those conversations in my head. Something had to change.

That something was forgiveness.  Take a deep breath, it will be okay. I know many will immediately think of that person, place or thing, and the hate sets in and begins its take over thoughts.  Try for this moment to not allow that to happen. For just a moment breathe in and out allow your mind to settle for a moment.  Now what if I release that person, place or thing from my mind and say out loud "I forgive you".  The fear is I will loose control if I forgive them.  The fact is that forgiveness releases me from their hold. That very hold that has kept me from being who I really am, being my authentic self now has no more power.  Forgiveness is never about the other person and always about myself.

In forgiveness my mind is no longer consumed with that over whelming desire to get even, get revenge, to punish them.  I can now focus on what is important to me.  This forgiveness doesn't mean I forget what happened, how badly I was hurt, how horrible my life was at the time.  It does allow me to walk away from the past and relese the hold it had on me.

Hate is a word I rarely use these days.  I may say I really dislike something, but I no longer have to be consumed with it every waking hour.  To move forward, I release and let go of that which has bound me emotionally.  We have learned to tolerate things in our lives and try to live around that which is uncomfortable and unwanted.  Today I no longer tolerate that which I do not want in my life.  I don't hate it, I let go of it and give it to my higher power to deal with.  May today your find the ability to let go, stop hating and begin to love the life you have and focus on what is important and not that which is past.  Stop now and start your new life. Find your authentic self and love that, nurture that, build that life.

Best regards and Namaste!

I See Domestic Violence This Way

With so many news stories of late about sexual harassment, sexual assault, sexual misconduct, etc, it causes me to pause and ask, what is going on?  Actually nothing new as this has been around for centuries. Being a survivor of both domestic violence and sexual assault I have spent many years processing, forgiving and healing.  The forgiveness to others for their actions against me was given to them for my personl benefit.  Healing cannot take place until I choose to let go of their power over me and live may life to the best of my ability. This doesn't mean their actions were okay, nor that I forget about them, but that I no longer allow them to live in my head causing me to question and doubt my own choices and belief system.  I trust my judgement and know I am making choices that are in my best interest.

My definition and of abuse, "Anything I Say or Do That Violates the Golden Rule". That definition was adopted by me from (Terry Moore's batterer intervention program; Nonviolent Alternatives), where I was fortunate enough to have worked for two decades. The program teaches people to look within their own heart and conscience to decide for themselves if the life they are living is lived with integrity or abusive thinking patterns that are then acted upon against others ultimately living without integrity and causing their own bad outcomes.

We all have our moments of a lack of integrity, however a healthy thinking person will be made aware by their own mind/conscience, correct the wrong and work to not do it again. Once I have reconciled my conscience with the behavior and have deemed it abuse, I can no longer say, I didn't know that was abusive, thereby making any action of the same behavior in the future is done so by choice and disregard for others.

We keep asking ourselves over and over, why is "stuff" always happening to me?  If the statement has ever passed through your head, I suggest (as the " AA big book" would say),  make a deliberate searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Abusive actions are present in all of us. It is up to each individual to determine for themselves what needs changed in their life to bring their actions closer to the integrity they wish to live by and be seen by others as.

I recently had this conversation with a friend and stated that repeatedly trying to get someone to do something they don't want to do is abusive in nature. If they have told me, no I don't want to do that, then to insist upon my way to be had is abusive.  The only action with integrity would be to respect "their no" and move on. This acceptance on our part is a show of integrity and the ability to allow others to have their way allows them to maintain their dignity and self respect. To do anything less is a lack of integrity and thereby is an abusive action.

While I know there will be those who disagree with this idea of self recognition being possible and others will look at it and state how insignificant the trespass was, and I would say to those individuals I appreciate your opinion and recognize your choice and would respectfully disagree. If I am continually giving up on my own values to be in a relationship, I AM in the WRONG relationship!

Wishing all a day of joy, integrity and peace.

The Danger In Being "Brutally Honest"

First let's just pull the word brutal out of the title and define it.

(Brutal - In a savagely violent way. He was imprisoned and brutally tortured; in a direct way that does not attempt to disguise unpleasantness or ill-temperateness. She was unapologetic and brutally honest"

For me there is a huge difference in being honest with integrity and being brutal and hurtful with the truth. Expressing one's self with honesty requires me to treat even my worst enemy as I would want to be treated. Religious, nonreligious, Christian, Hindu, Buddha, no matter the title of belief, the core is the same. Treat others the way you would want to be treated.

When we preface our words with "brutally honest" it is telling ourselves that in this case I am excused of being kind or caring of the words I use as I am only speaking what is true and you need to know this no matter how I deliver the information to you.  While it may be true and may need said it doesn't have to be said without care of the other person's feelings. Even when the other person is in the wrong.  Two wrongs have never made a right. In the end no one gains anything useful in this practice. Being "brutally honest" does more harm than good as people are defensive and closed minded and will not hear the message anyway. They are too busy trying to find a way to retaliate. The truth isn't always pleasant or pretty, however we are capable of delivering the truth with the least amount of pain to the other person as possible. We may not be able to save them from the pain they will experience about the truth, however we do not need to add to their pain.

With so much deception in the world at this moment, being honest with ones self  is paramount. If I can't be honest with myself, I definitely cannot be honest with anyone else. Herein lies the quandary we need to get to. I want to be honest but...  There is no substitute for the truth. Can I deliver that truth with the least amount of pain as possible. Being a good friend doesn't mean I agree with you all the time, and it doesn't give me a right to be "brutally honest" There is no excuse for willfully injuring someone with words or deed. Our leaders have an opportunity daily to be an example of truth tellers, yet fail miserably in their efforts.

As parents and grandparents we have an obligation to teach our children the value of truth with as much kindness as possible.  May your day be blessed and in turn may your expression bless others.

Where Will You Stand In History?

I read a posting by friend of a friend and her words brought these words to mind for me. Thank you Alex Wolf…

We as women (and those enlightened men strong enough to include gender, sexual orientation, and nationality without feeling emasculated) read the following phrase so differently than the current self serving old white men in DC.  "The Preamble to the Constitution is clear as it starts "We the people, to form a "more" perfect union"; while we were a fledgling union our forefathers had the foresight to see a document need be put in place to protect future generations without regard or exception to all living breathing persons with in our borders. 

What a sad lot the elected officials have become in their execution of the law of the land. They seem to be twisting those laws to be self- serving. While you may not be the representative promoting exclusion or exception your silence solidifies your place in history.  It is time to stand up, speak out and do the jobs you were elected to do. You, ladies and gentlemen of the House and Senate, are to be the leaders, the people selected by "the people throughout the United States", selected to represent our opinions and protect us all.  Your election was to do the will of the people in the best interest of the people without bias or concern of whether you like or dislike those same people. Your bias is to never stand in the way of doing your sworn duties.

As an elected official you do not have the luxury to plaque or acquiesce, but rather you are charged with the duty of understanding the law of the land, and to follow rules that are for all not a privileged few, and that the law is applied equally. It is time “our elected officials” start acting like adults, stop fighting over whom the biggest, strongest, most liked, has more money, or more influential and work together.  It is time to show those people who voted for you they were right in having faith in you and show the rest of us their vote wasn’t misguided.  Stop trying to divide us and our nation.

At the end of the day all you truly have is your conscience and integrity or lack thereof. There is no taking any worldly possession with you no matter how hard you try.  Do you want to be remembered as the person who lead well during your life or as the person that helped to divide a nation, who cheated the American public, whose gains were gotten on the backs of the poor and who failed to protect and serve at a most crucial time, but failed to take a stand for justice? It is up to you.

Who I Am (is my choice)

I was gently reminded today, by a text from a friend, of my responsibly to myself and others while living in a world that seems topsy-turby and out of control.  My friend doesn't know this revelation, as she was actually thanking me for something she was grateful of which was connected to me. In her gratitude I realized I had been missing the mark of late. While I would love to pin the responsibility for my actions anywhere but with myself, I know in the end "the buck stops here, "Ouch!"

Acting as an adult, a person of integrity which can express herself in a positive manor, by no means, indicates I am a push over.  People may mistake my none-action as a flaw or weakness. This is where we can get in to trouble, by becoming concerned about what others may say or think of our actions or none action. When our minds gets wrapped up in this emotional ping-pong game, it is easy to loose focus of the truth.

So how do I defend my position, stand my ground? I do so in not participating with abusive actions or statements. I can deny your choice with non-accusatory words that explain my choice.  I do not have to belittle or demean you in order for me to have what I want or need. Integrity is always a choice. Instead of yelling at you and telling you how wrong you are, I can choose to say "I understand your point, although my experience has been different than yours and I will have to think more about your opinion". I can respect your opinion and still disagree.  In expressing my opinion and taking a stand on the subject."  There is no argument, no right or wrong in this exchange of thought and it leaves others with their dignity intact. I can oppose your view with facts that I have and believe. When we start calling each other names, blaming one an other for the problem, insisting this is all your fault, we are no longer debating the issue we are now judging each other.  The topic is no longer in front of us and all focus on the problem has been lost. We have moved from listening and understanding to anger and resentment.

As I go through today I will make a precise and conscious effort to hear you, allow you space, allow your thoughts without judgement and stay focused on the problem.

May we all come together in love and settle the confusion of out world with peaceful measures. From my heart to yours. Namaste...